Reason #258 why I want to be skinny(er): Zebra Stripes
Tanning in the sun is bad. Tanning at the fake-n-bake is bad. Got it.
So I opt for sunless tanning in the wonderfulness that is the VersaSpa. Pretty easy process:
- Put on hair net (zexy!)
- Put on barrier lotion (so your hands and toes don’t turn orange)
- Jump in booth
- Press button
- Turn while the thing does a series of sprays
- Turn while the thing dries you
- Remove hair net
- Get dressed
Voila! Nice and bronzed.
EXCEPT WHEN YOU’RE FAT.
The vessel of the VersaSpa is round, and there is only so far back that you can stand. Imagine if, because of your girth, you had to stand 1/2 the distance that most people do. Those little automatic spray jets are likely to leave zebra stripes if you don’t contort or blend or wave your arms and legs while in the damn thing. So instead of those nice steps above, mine goes more like:
- Kind of strip. Sometimes I go with my special tanning underwear so I don’t have to go all nude. Cuz you never know who’s watching.
- Put on hair net, mock myself in the mirror about looking like a lunch lady (no offense to y’all lunch ladies- represent!)
- Put on barrier cream
- Try to move my wedding ring on my finger so the rocks don’t get completely blitzed by solution (see Ring Cleavage post)
- Hop in
- Do a couple fat-positioning movements
- Hit the button
- Squirm and wiggle as the jets go up and down. It kind of looks like the hokey-pokey now that I think about it.
- Hokey-pokey again while the jets try to dry the wide area that is my body
- Get out, get dressed
Skinny Emmie will have no more Zebra Stripes!
If you want to watch a cheesy video of the VersaSpa instructions, here you go: