A Retrospective

After fat camp before senior year.

After fat camp before senior year.

I ran home for lunch and was on my blissful way back from work when I saw a hand-written invitation on the top of the mail stack. Opened it up to realize (to my horror) that it was an invitation to my 10-year high school reunion. <insert gasp here>

For more “mature” folks, I don’t want to hear your lecture on how young I am, and for younger folks, I don’t want to hear about how old I am.

I just want some sympathy. <all together now…. *sigh*

Most of the people I wanted to stay in touch with I see on Facebook. It’s not like now-a-days you go to reunions with the suspense of who is single, married, straight, gay, had 15 kids, became a superstar or a multi-millionaire… Between a Google search and Facebook you can quench your curiousity thirst.

Working on the senior homecoming float

Working on the senior homecoming float

I think the self-imposed-horror of the situation is that a 10-year retrospective passes through your head where you compare where you thought you’d be when you were graduating to where you are now. You suddenly realize that the young adult with big ambitions has become, well, a real adult with bills, work and responsibilities. Did you become what you were going to be (for me: exercise physiologist or pediatrician- big nope on those!)? Is your current vision of success how you would have envisioned it back then (actually for me, yes). Do you look/feel/act the way you thought you would? Unfortunately for my psyche, that one is a big NO, and for whatever reason, despite all other accomplishments, I can’t get over it.

My high school graduation vision: I would go to University of San Francisco or Pepperdine and become an exercise physiologist. If not that, then a pediatrician. I was going to live in California, drive up and down the PCH at least once, and settle down there. I would be single and like it. I’d have a cute apartment in a city somewhere and maybe a little dog. Happy hours with friends and shopping would keep me happy.

Homecoming, senior year. Thought I was so fat my date wouldn't want to dirty dance with me. So I did the "giant circle" dance all night. No contact.

Homecoming, senior year. Thought I was so fat my date wouldn't want to dirty dance with me. So I did the "giant circle" dance all night. No contact.

10 year reality: Went to University of Kentucky because of family turmoil and became a marketer. Gained a LOT of weight. Took care of dying parent. Met a great boy. Buried said parent. Lost a good bit of weight. Went back for MBA. President of my class. Earned respect of living parent. Got married to great boy. Bought a house. Got “dream job.” Got laid off from “dream job.’ Got a dog. Gained all the weight back. Got another great job. And another great job. Starting to lose the weight again. Still huge compared to HS.

So really- I think my reality is pretty damn good, sans the weight part. But really, that is the biggest hurdle for me. Always has been. I have “achieved” many things but still feel a failure because of my weight (and my college debt, but working on that part). By conventional standards I’m doing well, but by societal standards, I’m an outcast. If this reunion was another year away, I bet I’d be excited for going because I’ll be closer to my goal weight. But for now, I want to play the role of shrinking violet and stay in my safe house until the reunion is over and I can keep everyone at arms length on Facebook.

When I got home I looked in my scrapbook for high school pictures. I seriously thought I was fat (size 16)- looking back, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be that small again!!! If we only knew then what we know now…

What were you going to be doing 10 years after high school graduation? Did you go to your reunion?

  • http://diaryofcurvyjones.com/ Curvy Jones

    I didn’t go. I was an outcast in high school, not popular at all and was bullied. The only place I wanted to see those people was from heaven, looking down on them in hell. I would never, ever relive high school.

    I also wasn’t all that big but my dad used to call me ThunderThighs and so I learned at a young age that I wasn’t at an ideal weight. All I really wanted was to get away from him. Won’t go to my 20 yr either… I don’t remember any of their names and I wasn’t particularly active.

  • http://diaryofcurvyjones.com Curvy Jones

    I didn’t go. I was an outcast in high school, not popular at all and was bullied. The only place I wanted to see those people was from heaven, looking down on them in hell. I would never, ever relive high school.

    I also wasn’t all that big but my dad used to call me ThunderThighs and so I learned at a young age that I wasn’t at an ideal weight. All I really wanted was to get away from him. Won’t go to my 20 yr either… I don’t remember any of their names and I wasn’t particularly active.

  • http://mothertongue.bloginky.com/ The Mother Tongue

    lol, isn’t that always the way? I thought I was horribly unattractive in high school, and now I’d give my eye-teeth to be that size-10 girl.

    I didn’t go to my 10-year reunion because whoever was handling it screwed up royally and forgot to invite most of the class of 97. But I went to the first annual SCAPA reunion (for graduates from all years) and it was terrifying. But it turned out okay–I wasn’t the only one who had gained some weight, and I had a great time.
    .-= The Mother Tongue´s last blog ..Puzzle pieces at BlogHer =-.

  • http://mothertongue.bloginky.com The Mother Tongue

    lol, isn’t that always the way? I thought I was horribly unattractive in high school, and now I’d give my eye-teeth to be that size-10 girl.

    I didn’t go to my 10-year reunion because whoever was handling it screwed up royally and forgot to invite most of the class of 97. But I went to the first annual SCAPA reunion (for graduates from all years) and it was terrifying. But it turned out okay–I wasn’t the only one who had gained some weight, and I had a great time.
    .-= The Mother Tongue´s last blog ..Puzzle pieces at BlogHer =-.

  • http://Www.questionsfordessert.com/ Krissie

    I totally went to my 10 year! I weighed considerably more than when in high school, but I think most people could say the same. The reunion itself was very lame, but it was good to see our friends in one place instead of the random friend here or there. And it was several years ago- before facebook really took off (remember when you had to have an email that ended in .edu to join?) so there was still the suspense.

    When I graduated, I really had no clue what I wanted to do, so I really didn’t have a ton of expectations. I never thought I’d marry one of my best guy friends from high school. But things are funny like that.
    .-= Krissie´s last blog ..i felt so symbolic yesterday =-.

  • http://Www.questionsfordessert.com Krissie

    I totally went to my 10 year! I weighed considerably more than when in high school, but I think most people could say the same. The reunion itself was very lame, but it was good to see our friends in one place instead of the random friend here or there. And it was several years ago- before facebook really took off (remember when you had to have an email that ended in .edu to join?) so there was still the suspense.

    When I graduated, I really had no clue what I wanted to do, so I really didn’t have a ton of expectations. I never thought I’d marry one of my best guy friends from high school. But things are funny like that.
    .-= Krissie´s last blog ..i felt so symbolic yesterday =-.

  • yee-lynn

    Well you saw my pictures from the 10 year…. i had a decent time considering i had incredibly LOW expectations. I KNOW I had gained weight throughout college etc.. but that happens. I did feel pretty successful though. Considering the majority of my classmates are 1) teachers 2) stay at home moms or 3) sell insurance… not that there is anything wrong with the 3 occupations. It’s just a completely different lifestyle than my own.

  • yee-lynn

    Well you saw my pictures from the 10 year…. i had a decent time considering i had incredibly LOW expectations. I KNOW I had gained weight throughout college etc.. but that happens. I did feel pretty successful though. Considering the majority of my classmates are 1) teachers 2) stay at home moms or 3) sell insurance… not that there is anything wrong with the 3 occupations. It’s just a completely different lifestyle than my own.

  • http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-10387-Easy-Meals-Examiner Liz Brooks

    I didn’t go to mine.
    I was painfully shy and for a lot of people that transformed into me being a snob. Which is far off the mark. I was hungry for friends. I had a close group that bailed on me, mid-junior year and pretty much ruined my last couple years of school. Needless to say I was thrilled to head off to college and start fresh.
    When I joined FB semi-recently, tons of old classmates ‘friend-ed’ me. I’ve accepted them all, and I am interested (mildly) in what they are up to. But I have new sets of friends now, and I really don’t want to go back to that. It would mean sliding back into that insecure teenager, and I am trying to leave that behind.

  • http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-10387-Easy-Meals-Examiner Liz Brooks

    I didn’t go to mine.
    I was painfully shy and for a lot of people that transformed into me being a snob. Which is far off the mark. I was hungry for friends. I had a close group that bailed on me, mid-junior year and pretty much ruined my last couple years of school. Needless to say I was thrilled to head off to college and start fresh.
    When I joined FB semi-recently, tons of old classmates ‘friend-ed’ me. I’ve accepted them all, and I am interested (mildly) in what they are up to. But I have new sets of friends now, and I really don’t want to go back to that. It would mean sliding back into that insecure teenager, and I am trying to leave that behind.

  • http://thismattersthisday.blogspot.com/2009/08/monday.html catrinkas

    Ten year is a lot of striving and posing and posturing. You have accomplished more than enough to ‘keep up.’

    Twenty year is a lot more relaxed. People are where they are and prove less, posture less, apologize less, and drink more. I say hold out another ten years! (They’ll go by in a jiff!)
    .-= catrinkas´s last blog ..Monday =-.

  • http://thismattersthisday.blogspot.com/2009/08/monday.html catrinkas

    Ten year is a lot of striving and posing and posturing. You have accomplished more than enough to ‘keep up.’

    Twenty year is a lot more relaxed. People are where they are and prove less, posture less, apologize less, and drink more. I say hold out another ten years! (They’ll go by in a jiff!)
    .-= catrinkas´s last blog ..Monday =-.

  • anne

    I didnt get an invite, so didnt go :)

  • anne

    I didnt get an invite, so didnt go :)

  • http://alithinks.com/ Alison

    My 20th high school reunion was two years ago. I said I didn’t want to pay $65 (per person, so $130) to see people I wasn’t even sure I wanted to see. The deeper truth is that I’m ashamed of the 50-60 pounds I gained during my divorce four years ago. I haven’t really made an effort to lose the weight, though, even though I hate looking this way. What kills me is that from the age of 9 or so on, I thought I was fat. Now I know that I wasn’t at all.

  • http://alithinks.com Alison

    My 20th high school reunion was two years ago. I said I didn’t want to pay $65 (per person, so $130) to see people I wasn’t even sure I wanted to see. The deeper truth is that I’m ashamed of the 50-60 pounds I gained during my divorce four years ago. I haven’t really made an effort to lose the weight, though, even though I hate looking this way. What kills me is that from the age of 9 or so on, I thought I was fat. Now I know that I wasn’t at all.

  • http://onenerveleft.blogspot.com/ Lizz B

    I went! I looked forward to it. I was a “clique ho” meaning I didn’t belong to just one circle but was prett much friends with everyone. The popular group, the nerds, the drama peeps, the journalism peeps, etc.

    I was skeletal in high school and when I went I weighed about 150 pounds and didn’t care much about the 50 pounds I had gained. I was a voluptuous hourglass. I just killed them with cleavage ;) But now, at 180….I know I would care. I would still go because I refuse to be held hostage by my body image. But I would be probably be uncomfy….very much so.
    .-= Lizz B´s last blog ..Wordess Wednesday!!! Beach Babes! =-.

  • http://onenerveleft.blogspot.com Lizz B

    I went! I looked forward to it. I was a “clique ho” meaning I didn’t belong to just one circle but was prett much friends with everyone. The popular group, the nerds, the drama peeps, the journalism peeps, etc.

    I was skeletal in high school and when I went I weighed about 150 pounds and didn’t care much about the 50 pounds I had gained. I was a voluptuous hourglass. I just killed them with cleavage ;) But now, at 180….I know I would care. I would still go because I refuse to be held hostage by my body image. But I would be probably be uncomfy….very much so.
    .-= Lizz B´s last blog ..Wordess Wednesday!!! Beach Babes! =-.

  • http://heatherwherever.blogspot.com/ heather

    No, no, no. A thousand times no.

    I didn’t go to my tenth. Or my fifteenth. And, in four more years, I won’t go to my twentieth. Not because I didn’t live up to my “Most Likely to Succeed” award, even though it kills me that I didn’t. And not because of how I look now vs. then. Simply because high school is mercifully far behind me.

  • http://heatherwherever.blogspot.com heather

    No, no, no. A thousand times no.

    I didn’t go to my tenth. Or my fifteenth. And, in four more years, I won’t go to my twentieth. Not because I didn’t live up to my “Most Likely to Succeed” award, even though it kills me that I didn’t. And not because of how I look now vs. then. Simply because high school is mercifully far behind me.

  • tashalee

    I know this is an old post, but I just discovered it. I'll be out of high school 5 years on May 26. Currently, I have not heard of any plan to have a reunion. I have kept in touch with those that I wanted to keep in touch with and have mended fences with an ex-best friend with whom I had a falling out my freshman year of college. However, if we do something, anything I think I'll go. Because by that point I hope that I'm a bit thinner than I am now. I was the same weight throughout high school. I want to be able to show them the new person that I have become: confident, outspoken. I was not those things in high school. So, I definitely want to show off the new me.

  • http://www.thehealthylivingproject.com Denise

    I’ve started your blog from the beginning, so if you see stats from today and they’re all crazy looking, I apologize. I also apolgogize for commenting on blogs that are super old.

    I’m not yet to my 10 year high school reunion. I have four more years to go. As far as whether I go or not, I haven’t decided. A big part of whether or not I attend will have to do with how much I weigh. That’s kind of sad.