I know a lot of bigger Emmie’s out there have struggled with depression. Hell, fat or skinny, a lot of people deal with it daily. I’ve dealt with it for a long, long time. I was put on my first anti-depressent (Paxil) when I was 14. I assembled a row of bottles of asprin, tylenol and advil and contemplated if it would be enough to end it all. Found an old box cutter and realized the blade would probably be too dull to cut my wrists without it really hurting. Really it was then, at age 14, that my weight ballooned. Looking back, it could have been the meds that contributed to the weight loss, but that’s neither here nor there.
I haven’t had times that dark since then (no worries!), but have still felt incredible thoughts of despair and isolation. Been on and off many pills. Seen multiple therapists. Still though, haven’t really figured it all out. If I did, I’d share it with everyone. Shout from the rooftops how to make the darkness disappear.
My weight ballooned up after my wedding. I’d been dieting for 3 years, lost 150 pounds and still wasn’t anywhere close to Skinny. So I gave into newlywed bliss (it’s easy to do with a fantastic husband) and let the weight creep back on. Erase the good I’d done.
When I got on the scale prior to starting this blog, my heart and mood sank to deep levels. I’ve been uncomfortable in my skin for a long time, but noticed in the months while I quickly gained as much weight as a “normal” person weighs, a black cloud was taking over my relationships with friends, and that is the absolute last thing I wanted to do. It’s awfully ironic that at the time we need friends the most, we push them away as far as we can.
How do you cope when you’re in a dark mood? I can identify how I feel, but not the WHY. Ok yes, I’m fat. But I’m also blessed with a wonderful husband, great friends, beautiful home, a lovely pup and a good job. It’s nothing short of self-sabotage to feel like nothing is right.
I would love if you would share your stories. While I’m not currently in my “dark place” (far from it actually!) I know that many people, regardless of weight, have these feelings. I think one of the most uplifting things when in these periods of despair is to know that we, in fact, aren’t alone.
Be mindful of all you have, and thankful for lifes blessings.