Sing a sad song…

DepressionI know a lot of bigger Emmie’s out there have struggled with depression. Hell, fat or skinny, a lot of people deal with it daily. I’ve dealt with it for a long, long time. I was put on my first anti-depressent (Paxil) when I was 14.  I assembled a row of bottles of asprin, tylenol and advil and contemplated if it would be enough to end it all. Found an old box cutter and realized the blade would probably be too dull to cut my wrists without it really hurting. Really it was then, at age 14, that my weight ballooned. Looking back, it could have been the meds that contributed to the weight loss, but that’s neither here nor there.

I haven’t had times that dark since then (no worries!), but have still felt incredible thoughts of despair and isolation. Been on and off many pills. Seen multiple therapists. Still though, haven’t really figured it all out. If I did, I’d share it with everyone. Shout from the rooftops how to make the darkness disappear.

My weight ballooned up after my wedding. I’d been dieting for 3 years, lost 150 pounds and still wasn’t anywhere close to  Skinny. So I gave into newlywed bliss (it’s easy to do with a fantastic husband) and let the weight creep back on. Erase the good I’d done.

When I got on the scale prior to starting this blog, my heart and mood sank to deep levels. I’ve been uncomfortable in my skin for a long time, but noticed in the months while I quickly gained as much weight as a “normal” person weighs, a black cloud was taking over my relationships with friends, and that is the absolute last thing I wanted to do. It’s awfully ironic that at the time we need friends the most, we push them away as far as we can.

How do you cope when you’re in a dark mood? I can identify how I feel, but not the WHY. Ok yes, I’m fat. But I’m also blessed with a wonderful husband, great friends, beautiful home, a lovely pup and a good job. It’s nothing short of self-sabotage to feel like nothing is right.

I would love if you would share your stories. While I’m not currently in my “dark place” (far from it actually!) I know that many people, regardless of weight, have these feelings. I think one of the most uplifting things when in these periods of despair is to know that we, in fact, aren’t alone.

Be mindful of all you have, and thankful for lifes blessings.

  • http://twopoundsawk.blogspot.com/ Megan

    I can really relate to your post. I never got to the point of “ending it all,” (so glad you overcame that struggle!) but I’ve definitely gone through some really low times in my life. I rely a lot on two P’s — prayer and people. I am a big believer in both! :) Even if you push your friends away, the real ones will still be there for you!

    And you are right — you definitely have to put things in perspective and count your blessings. I get down at times about things — like weight — but when I think about the people around me that are struggling with cancer, just lost a loved one, etc., it seems small in comparison.

    By the way, I loved your “Vlog!” That’s a brave thing to do! :)
    .-= Megan´s last blog ..Help, please! =-.

  • http://twopoundsawk.blogspot.com Megan

    I can really relate to your post. I never got to the point of “ending it all,” (so glad you overcame that struggle!) but I’ve definitely gone through some really low times in my life. I rely a lot on two P’s — prayer and people. I am a big believer in both! :) Even if you push your friends away, the real ones will still be there for you!

    And you are right — you definitely have to put things in perspective and count your blessings. I get down at times about things — like weight — but when I think about the people around me that are struggling with cancer, just lost a loved one, etc., it seems small in comparison.

    By the way, I loved your “Vlog!” That’s a brave thing to do! :)
    .-= Megan´s last blog ..Help, please! =-.

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  • http://addatmit.wordpress.com/ Pia

    I definitely feel you. I think that more than depression, I’ve been dealing with really high stress for extended periods of time, which often leads to me being really short/distancing me from friends when in fact I need them the most. In general, what I’ve found helpful is that I tend to do little things to keep myself sane through the hardest times.

    I journal, definitely, because I think that getting your feelings out on paper helps you organize your thoughts, and it gives you a kind of outlet for stress without necessarily alienating your friends by seeming really negative/grumpy for a super long period of time. Also, I think more than that, I tend to do little things to keep myself going when the end of whatever I’m trying to get through is really far away. Right now, I’m trying to get through a really insane term at school. There’s a lot of pressure research-wise, as well as always, academically, and since mentally I don’t really measure the end in terms of time as much as in terms of how many things I have to get done still before that deadline, the end seems far.

    My solution is that I do things to give me smaller moments of pleasure. Recently I got 2 really pretty water bottles so that I am more likely to stay hydrated while enjoying staying hydrated. I did my nails so that they look nice and I can enjoy that. Other things I’ve done are things like burning a scented candle so that my room smells nice, structuring my diet so that I actually really enjoy what I’m eating at least twice a day, having coffee with friends, wearing awesome lipstick, using nice pens, making awesome playlists to work out to, playing music I can sing along to in the shower and then singing along loudly in the shower, listening to books on tape while I run errands…just, a bunch of small things that kind of make the journey more bearable until you get to where you need to be. Hmm. Maybe I’ll write a blog post about this so I have a list of ideas on hand for when I’m feeling bleh. Oh, and obviously, I read awesome blogs like yours, or stare at pictures of cute things on cuteoverload, or visit blogs like informationisbeautiful. Yup. Thats how I’ve been dealing. It doesn’t really fix the meta, but it does keep you from wanting to kick something on a daily basis, and I think that that really adds up.

  • Blueberry

    I’m with you. :( I was in a very dark place in high school. It got to the point that I could distinctly tell between that feeling of numb desolation/hopelessness and normal, everyday sadness. When I just felt sad, I actually felt relieved, because it wasn’t a crippling emotion – I could handle it. I’m so much better now, but I know there’s still an underlying unhappiness/vulnerability – it comes out sometimes, when I hit an obstacle in weight loss (and also during my time of the month, meh). I don’t know why I’ve improved – honestly I think it’s just about time passing and my hormones/chemical make up changing. A part of me definitely equates reaching my ideal weight with finally attaining contentment, but I know that’s not entirely true. But I do see positive changes going on with me for the past few years, especially this summer, so I’m hopeful. :)