I'm writing this sitting in the auto shop just getting routine maintenance done on my car. As I'm sitting here in my little desk cubby they have with free wi-fi, my legs are squished together like crazy. The arms of this chair are dug deep into the side of my thighs. They are the kind that quite possibly will leave a bruise, one on each thigh. Oh the joys of being super obese.
The other day, I posted a video of me on a recumbent bike. When I went to edit the video and put it on YouTube, I was really taken aback. I've always been kind of photogenic, and the picture taken of me in the blue dress the other day made me feel really good about myself. Unfortunately, the (video)camera doesn't lie. I watched that video, in shock, as my stomach bobbed up and down with every movement of my legs. I had also filmed myself doing my warm up routine, where I went on to see my stomach pop out of my shirt as I was on the floor doing those exercises. Everyone at the gym has probably seen my curdly-fat-stomach.
This is going to sound really strange, but I have always felt that I LOOKED smaller than I really am. It's not necessarily body dysmorphic disorder, just a really, really bad perception of my size. I also am able to talk myself into thinking that I look nice or well put together, and then see pictures of me after-the-fact that make me severely question my sanity. How can my own perception be THAT FAR OFF?
I know there are smaller people who always think they're bigger than they are. I'm the complete opposite. I wonder, is this a coping mechanism? I mean, am I this way because I've spent years obese, conditioning my mind to cope with the stares and with the super-low-self-esteem? Do I make myself feel better about my appearance and my size so that I can just make it through each day without feeling completely defeated and ashamed of myself?
Perhaps part of it is that I don't FEEL like some massive, sedentary beast. I feel like a girl who can move more than she used to, go to the gym without complete shame and work out regularly. I feel kind of pretty. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like a young, thin sprite who can prance around and do whatever I feel like. But I feel like someone who isn't sedentary. But when I look at myself on that video, I see someone who people would probably think sit on the sofa all day and all night, chugging 2 liter sodas and crunching on super size bags of Doritos.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Either way- feeling smaller than you are or feeling bigger than you are?