I must preface this post: I don’t want any “poor Emmie” sentiments or anything. This is just me being honest with myself, and with you all, as I try to figure out how to succeed in this journey. No intention of a pity party here, whatsoever.
I have to be honest. Today has been pretty frustrating for me, and as always, it’s all in my head. You think being morbidly obese that my body would be the one resisting, not my mind.
I was tired when I woke up. I strongly considered going back to sleep instead of going to the gym, but something pulled me out of my slumber and I got up. I got on the scale, hoping to see a big number, and I got the 2.5. I felt pretty “meh” about it considering that was a 2 week total and I restricted my food last week and thought it would be more. <brain mistake #1: should have been happy with a loss>
Went to the gym. I did medium intensity, which was hard for me today. Both of my favorite treadmills (Woodway’s- they’re amazing) were occupied the entire time, so I did the arc trainer and then the bike. I hate bikes, but was proud of myself for pushing myself on it. When I was on the arc trainer, a lovely woman came up to me and stared in amazement and asked me how much I’ve lost. She has given me encouragement before, but I haven’t seen her in several weeks. I was so appreciative of her and her kind words and high fives. She made me feel great, and it fueled me for the rest of the workout. <brain did right this time>
Posted about my weight loss this week, and put up progress pictures, which have me in a sports bra and shorts. I was scared to post these. What if no one could tell a difference? What if I disgusted everyone? What if I finally get some random trolls posting hateful comments. This is when my brain went on to make mistakes #2-50 for the rest of the day.
#3 It’s not enough of a change for people to notice
#9 People are grossed out by me
#10 I look disgusting
#22 Now people will see that 71.5 pounds isn’t a big deal
#30 I still have 28.5 to go to hit 100 pounds
#31 Even when I’m 100 pounds I’m still not halfway
#34 I wonder if I can run home at lunch and delete the pictures?
#39 I don’t know what else I can do to make the scale move faster
#41 My shirt I have on today is too tight, this doesn’t look good
#44 What makes me so special to think I can succeed at this?
#46 I hope I am not letting anyone down with how slow this is all going
#49 I don’t deserve a week off of my training routine for my cruise
I was on the verge of tears for a good part of the day. Seriously, I have no idea where it’s all coming from. Really, it’s these feelings of inadequacy that have pushed me to try to accomplish great things throughout my life. I should write more about this at another time. Whenever I accomplish something though, it’s hard to enjoy it. Maybe I didn’t do it fast enough, or someone didn’t compliment me on it. But then if I do get any praise or accolade, I shrug it off as “no big deal” when really, it IS A HUGE EFFING DEAL!
Today should NOT be one of these days where I have feelings of inadequacy. Today I should be celebrating. I am doing good.
I am healthy.
I am strong.
I am making progress.
There are no roadblocks.
I have everything I need to succeed.
So dear mind, stop screwing with me. For real. These feelings of inadequacy have got to stop. There is not a single person in my life right now that is making me feel inadequate. I’ve got more cheerleaders than ever. My support team is strong. I have to figure out a way to embrace it, enjoy it, and feel great.
Is there any advice you could share that has helped pull you out negative self talk?