Can I be honest? (I always am here, LOL). I've had a rough day.
Yesterday, I did something that my mind knows should be incredible. But I don't feel incredible.
I have been flooded with the most wonderful messages of support and loveliness through Twitter, comments here, and Facebook. My sister surprised me with some beautiful earrings in the mail. My wonderful training partner sent me beautiful flowers at work.
I carried my finishers medal with me in my (mega) purse today. I was hoping it'd make me feel something- the happiness that I think I should feel for accomplishing something I once thought would be impossible for me.
At lunch, I put the cute 13.1 decal on my car that Amber got me. Perhaps driving around with this accomplishment everywhere I go will make me feel happy and proud.
I realized yesterday at the end of the race that my birthday is tomorrow. I think I've suppressed this in my head during this half marathon training. I got so focused and worried about the half that my big ol “dirty 30” birthday planning went out the window. I have no plans to celebrate this milestone. Instead today I've been flooded with thoughts of how my 20s could have been better.
I really am not trying to have a pity party right now. I don't expect anyone to respond to this. It's almost like I'm having an out-of-body experience where my recent accomplishments are detached from my emotions. Examples:
- my head: a half marathon is an amazing accomplishment; my heart: I should have gone faster
- my head: $2,600 is an amazing amount of money to raise for Parkinson's Disease research; my heart: it won't bring my mom back
- my head: I know people are saying I'm an “inspiration”; my heart: what kind of “inspiration” is it to still be over 300 pounds?
- my head: 108 pounds is a lot of weight to lose; my heart: this isn't even halfway to goal – no reason to celebrate
The only thing that my head and my heart are in sync with today:
- my head: wow, my friends, family and the people who read my blog are incredibly encouraging and wonderful; my heart: wow, my friends, family and the people who read my blog are incredibly encouraging and wonderful
I'm trying to work on re-framing my heart and mind so they're in sync. This would be “re-positioning” statements such as:
- I have raised an incredible amount of money for Parkinson's Disease research. It WILL make a difference.
- I have lost 108 pounds. This is how much a heavier punching bag weighs
- I have established a strong workout routine, and my body is healthier because of it.
- I completed a half marathon. 13.1 miles of perseverance, hard training and pain. This is amazing no matter what the weight or the time.