While working on a project today for the day job, I got hit with a thought. I started scribbling. Words started coming out, and once I got them on paper. I tucked them in my purse to ponder at a later time.
I wrote this in my last FitBloggin' recap post, and wanted to repost it so hopefully this rambling explanation of my scribbles may have proper context.
I cannot adequately express my complete adoration of this community. We were all different shapes, sizes, fitness levels and blogging expertise, but we were all the same. Same struggles and emotions. It was like being wrapped in a warm hug all weekend where there was no judgement, no fear of being alone, no isolation.
When you're surrounded by people who can relate to your struggles without you having to explain in great detail these little nuances that have led you down this path, it's almost like things start clicking. My guard came down much faster than usual. My anxiety subsided. I loved who I was and where I was, completely in the moment.
I'm hanging onto this feeling for as long as possible. It is reinforced everyday by you who read these words and give me a virtual high-five, an “atta girl” or an “I know how you feel.” Today with this, I started to feel guilty. So I put this to you, my friends traveling this same road:
Do you ever feel guilty when good things happen to you?
Like you don't deserve them? Don't deserve kind words, praise or acknowledgement for anything you've done? For a fleeting moment, you feel joy, but then guilt creeps in. You want to share the awesome-sauce with those who love and support you, but you can't. The barrage of thoughts like “you don't deserve this” or “it's just luck” start screaming in your mind. You downplay everything to those around you, because deep down you know the truth – it is a fluke. Whatever is happening at this moment wasn't earned, it just landed in your lap.
Perhaps I'm still overdosing on the love-fest from the past weekend, but for some reason, I just feel like good things are going to happen. The challenge right now is to make myself realize that anything good to come is a result of hard work and effort. I HAVE earned good. It's okay to be happy for accomplishing something. It's okay to share excitement and not feel guilty. It's okay to brag on yourself and not downplay everything.
I often say that the mental journey is so much harder than the physical, and this is a prime example of that. For now, I am trying to discard these negative energies to focus on positive things coming my way. Law of attraction, good vibes, karma, whatever – I want to radiate goodness and joy with the knowledge and acceptance that I deserve it.