What if this is it?

This frustrated mind of mine has been very loud this weekend, when not being distracted by my awful ear infections and vertigo that have me feeling drunk on top of a hangover with a headache that won’t stop. Between my boot (still in for 1 more week), my ear infections and vertigo, I am a non-exercising, overanalyzing mess of thoughts.

On Friday, I went to the doctor for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. Last time I went, I asked for blood tests just to get a quick read on how things are performing within my body. My pulse and blood pressure have been excellent in my past 5 months of doctor visits, but I was curious about other things as well. The doctor had the results but hadn’t reviewed them yet, however he pulled them up and sorted through them and declared “you’re perfectly healthy!”

Me: “Well, what about my cholesterol?”
Him: “Why are you worried about your cholesterol? Did your parents have high cholesterol?
Me: “No, I just wanted to make sure it was okay since I’m over 300 pounds.”
Him: “Of course it’s okay – everything is completely normal with you – very good results.”
Me: “You say ‘normal’ like it’s nothing. How can somoene over 300 pounds be normal?”
Him: “Why not? You are taking care of yourself – why can’t you be normal?”
Me: “Huh.”

image via Tobo on Flickr

So hooray for normal. But this had me thinking.

Between the past few months of stalls, eating frustrations, workout frustrations, and the scale being a complete bitch (pardon me), I wonder: “What if this is it? I stay this weight forever?”

How would I feel if I still exercised regularly and ate well, yet didn’t lose a single more pound. Would I be okay with this?

Part of me that is trying to remain positive says “you’re healthy, girl! That’s all that matters. Accept your health at any size, because you really are healthy!”

The other part goes “Hell no, screw that! You can’t stay this weight and be a success. You need to figure out what is wrong and fix it, now.”

So, that is where my brain is at. It’s a literal dizzy (vertigo) mess of yelling at itself. Throw in this past weekend’s eating incidents and the yelling inside my head is deafening.

I’m going to keep pushing on, but would be curious of your thoughts on this.

  • http://laughsweatrepeat.wordpress.com Tara

    I think your progress has been wonderful. Weight plateaus are a part of the weight loss battle. I have spent time obsessing over the scale and it has done is caused me to be crazy. My younger sister became so obsessed with the scale she developed severe anorexia. She got down to 86 lbs at her lightest (at 5’4″). It was horrible to watch her do that to herself. At that time I promised myself I would never be that. I would rather be overweight and not in perfect health than be that skinny. Watching what the scale did to her and her attempts to battle it changed how I viewed the scale. I have not weighed myself regularly in a long time. I do not own a scale and maybe get a chance to weigh myself four times a year. While I want a scale eventually, for now I am amazed at what my body has been doing since it was not too long ago it would not have been capable of doing this. Focus instead on how far you have come and how great you feel. The rest will come I am sure.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      I hope your sister is doing better these days. and yes, focusing on how I feel is definitely something I need to work on.

      • http://laughsweatrepeat.wordpress.com Tara

        She is doing much better. She is training for her first tri ( date and which one to be determined still). She just signed up for her first race ever (a 5k mud run). She can easily cover the distance but wanted a smaller race since its  mud run with obstacles etc.
        Think about how good it feels to make a good choice and to know you are eating food that does your body good. That is what I like to think about anyway!!

  • Diana P.

    I’ve been dealing w/ the same internal struggle. after losing 40 lbs through watching my eating like a hawk and exercising 3-5 hrs a day, I stalled. no matter what I do, my body doesn’t seem to want to budge. every professional I see agrees that something weird is up (since all the *numbers* say I should be losing weight), but don’t have any other ideas. So, I’ve been struggling with, 1) the motivation to keep exercising and eating right, and 2) the question of if I could be happy and healthy at this weight. Where am I right now? Working on being the healthiest I can be right now….and hopefully the happy with it part of it will come later. I’m still hoping that my body is going to fall for the reverse psychology of it, since now I’m not “trying” to lose weight…but I think my mind is just grasping for straws at this point. So, I guess this is all to say, I don’t know, but I feel you. :)

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      my mind is just grasping at straws too. We’ll come across something soon :)

  • http://loserjenn.wordpress.com/ Jenn

    Don’t give up! You are doing such a good job. It’s not about being skinny, you’re right. But what about reaching a healthy BMI? What about being fit and toned and able to do anything physical you want to do? You have to decide what healthy means to you personally, not to your doctor or what you *think* people expect of you. Success is meeting your own expectations. I have a long long way to go too but this thinking has really helped me decide what I want for myself in this and other areas of my life and be much happier. I think about the life I want, like getting back on a horse for example, instead of what I *should* look like or *should* weigh. You’ve already proven to yourself that you’re capable of this so I won’t wish you good luck because you don’t need it. :)

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Thanks Jenn. I’m not giving up, just trying to ponder what the “finish” is and trying to accept things as they are right at this moment. :)

  • http://twitter.com/ms_jones74 Curvy Jones

    IF I never dropped another pound… not gonna lie. I’d be pissed. off. I am not where I want to be. In the least. So, I’d keep working because eventually a plateau dips to a new low. 

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Yep, I’d be pissed too. Hrmph.

  • Anonymous

    I’m so glad to hear you’re healthy and they say that should be all that matters and I suppose when you get  down to it, yes it should be.  Even after having lost 187 lbs, with about 140 lbs to go I would be beyond ticked if I had to do all I do just to maintain.  Be happy about where you are but know that there is so much more that awaits, it’s just finding the key to unlock the right combo of things.  I totally get the frustration!

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Here’s to finding the right combo! Congratulations on your amazing loss.

  • jayme @ losinghalfmyweight

    first, have you tried allergy meds for the vertigo & ear infections?  i get vertigo & earaches occasionally and usually i take zyrtec (cetirizine hydrocholide) and it dries up or expels whatever fluid is in there that’s causing the problem (if i haven’t been taking them regularly anyway) and then i’m fine.

    I’d say the biggest question is: are you happy with how you are, being “completely normal” and at the weight you are?  if you’re satisfied, then that’s great.  you have proven with this that it IS possible to be heavy on the scale but still perfectly healthy.  but if you’re not right now, then this inner conversation you’re having is a natural part of getting there and not something you should be criticising yourself for. 

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      hi Jayme. I am on a mix of antibiotics and allergy meds/decongestants for the vertigo and it’s slowly helping. 
      I guess to answer your question, I don’t feel “completely normal” at this weight, and therein lies the struggle. I want to accept myself now, but can’t since I’m so far from the finish line (wherever that may be)

  • Anonymous

    You spoke of insomnia before.  How are you sleeping?  I know when I sorted out my sleep to where I was getting at least 7.5+ a day, I lost 8lbs in about 10 days. 

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      I’m getting about 6.5 hours a night, up from about 5. I need to do better.

  • http://twitter.com/christieinge Christie Inge

    I think there is a BIG difference in accepting yourself now and “giving up”.  I think that when you are truly caring for yourself the weight loss is a side effect – a slow and steady side effect. And when you truly accept yourself, weight and all, taking care of yourself is just what you do – it is part of who you are because you care enough to make it a priority.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Christie, you always give the most thoughtful insight. I have a hard time distinguishing between acceptance and “giving up.” How can I accept myself if I’m still trying to change? I need to meditate on this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511322334 Heather Roebuck

    I know how you feel… I was in the same place for months and then just recently put back 25 pounds because I was so frustrated and tired of dealing with it.  (I’m back on the wagon now though)
     
    Let me just say I LOVE your doctor.  I too had some blood work done back in March.  Totally healthy – except he didn’t want to understand how I could be so healthy at over 300 pounds.  So then he offered me surgery or phentermine, which I politely declined.  But I wonder if I’m stuck here. Am I destined to stay this weight forever?  I’m NOT giving up though.  I just realized that it took me almost 30 years to get to that weight…it may take just as long to get it off. 
     
    Never give up!

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      No giving up, Heather. If I can’t give up, neither can you. xo

  • http://www.stellarpath.net/ Jeremy Logsdon

    I think a lot of us have been there.  I know I have been, and frankly, for me, no, it’s not acceptable.  And then I start spiraling into, “Well, then why did I eat that cupcake the other night?  If this is unacceptable, it should have been an easy no,” and before I know it, I’m dizzy with the what-ifs.

    I have no advice to offer, because scoot over.  I’m in the same boat.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Pop a squat, right here *pats chair*

  • http://twitter.com/friarmyth Mary Firth

    Have you thought about taking a vacation?  It seems like you go and do so much, and I don’t remember you talking about taking much time off lately.  I don’t know if it would make the scale budge, but maybe if you just got away from everything for a few days (or a week!), you might be able to give your body the rest it seems like it sorely needs.  What couldn’t you tackle then???

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Oh how I have dreamed of a vacation, LOL. Unfortunately I don’t have many vacation days left this year. I’ll work on taking more fun breaks during the weekend!

  • Lisa Adams

    Having “normal” tests is an amazing accomplishment, but I completely understand how you feel about the weight loss stall.  I know everyone always says to not worry about the scale and just be happy that you are healthy and feel great.  For me, though, I know that I will never truly be happy with my body until I am a “normal” size.  That’s just how it is.  I don’t want to struggle every day against cravings and self-doubt and then still look like I secretly shovel Oreos every night when I get home.  With that said, I think you have been doing incredible.  You have been so strong through this plateau.  I know it must be incredibly hard to stay on track.  Don’t give up!  After you get the boot off and start doing some cross-training, surely the weight loss will start up again.  As we all know, weight loss is largely a mental battle.  It never feels good when your mind and body aren’t in sync with each other, but these struggles will just make the end result that much sweeter when you do get there.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Thank you Lisa

  • Fatchefdiaries

    I’ve had a very similar conversation with my doctor, but I still don’t feel normal. Yea, my numbers are ok except for the numbers on the scale and around my waist. I guess that’s what it all comes down to is how do you feel about yourself inwardly, that a doctor can’t diagnose. I also have to believe that if i maintain the same weight for an extended period of time it will have an effect on my life, if not just the quality. Go with your heart and live with your own decision.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      thank you. I’m not done yet. So much more to try to do to live this life I imagined.

  • Nina

    You are doing really great and you need to focus on being “healthy” and “normal.”  If you keep doing this your body will finally settle at the weight it is supposed to be – which I think is probably much-much-much less than 300! If you treat it right, oz by oz, it will come off and at a healthy good pace.  This is the crossroads that can lead to the bad place or the ultimate you. 

    You are on the right path – boot and all!  I think you should take this time as maybe that you are pushing a little too hard. (Again boot!)  Ease up and focus on putting good quality fuel in you and move because it feels good.  It will fall in place.  This is the hard-hard way, but it’s worth it! (In the end it will stay off and you will know your body.)

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Yes, I think I’m supposed to be much less than this. Will lay off myself a little and keep forging ahead!

  • http://www.sashalosesit.com Sasha

    I’ve been asking myself many of the same questions. I got nuthin. If healthy and active are “it”, then you could do worse. But I’m with you – I want more.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      we can do worse, but we can do so much better. Thank you.

  • Bella Capri

    For me personally, it wouldn’t be ok, because losing 150 pounds of extra weight has been a goal of mine for most of my adult life.  If I stopped before I reached it, I would feel like I had given up on myself.  Not to mention the fact that no matter how “healthy” and fit we are, carrying around that much extra weight (still speaking about ME here) just can’t be good for my joints.  And then there’s the huge vanity factor – I want to look better than I do now.  I want to wear a smaller size and move through the world taking up less room. 

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      I am 100% with you.

  • http://twitter.com/rosso Sara Rosso

    I don’t think this is “it” for you, to be honest, I just think you’ll have to change your perception of progress – what if the next 50lbs takes 5 years? Does it make them any less worthy? Does that mean you’ve somehow failed because you didn’t do it in a year or 6 months? Heck no. I do think you should be happy with your progress and how you look but I also agree that you should be thinking of your joints and strain on your body in the long-term, and then just use that as a goal. Be happy with your amazing progress and remind yourself, “I’m not in a hurry…not if it means I’m getting healthier in the end.” Perhaps start measuring your progress in months and years, not weeks. 

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      That’s a really interesting way to put it, Sara. I don’t think this is “it” either, but the timeline is what is frustrating. Perhaps months and years is a better way to look at it.

  • Rhonda Bastian

    Getting the “numbers look good” thing is GREAT news…there are some that are doing what your are doing…but also battling major health issues…but..of course…we want the scale to move too (health issues good should equal weight good too, right?)…I think maybe (this is just a random wild a** guess) as our bodys heal from the damage of all the extra weight and bad food/exercise choices we have made…they heal from the inside…and as that continues….the rest will follow…keep going forward…I can relate with the stalls and frustration…we just gotta keep on keeping on….you got this!

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      I like the thought of healing from the inside. I’m going to try to keep my chin up and be patient!

  • Jennifer Abshire

    For me, that wouldn’t be enough unless I’m doing every possible thing to live my healthiest life. Currently I am doing just that and my weight is coming down slowly. It’s going to take me a while (I currently weight 237 lbs), but I know that if I stay with it and put in the effort, I can and will be the owner of not only a healthy body, but a healthy body size. Just don’t give up. If you want it, do it. You’ll get there.

    franklyfatso.blogspot.com

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      We’ll both get there, no matter how long it takes!

  • Karen@Waistingtime

    I just saw something on TV the other day about how overweight people can be healthier than skinny people.  It’s all about your lifestyle and your numbers (like BP and cholesterol).  When I was first diagnosed with (familial) high cholesterol many years ago, people would say to me things like “How can you have high cholesterol – you’re skinny.” 

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      yes, that study that just came out is quite interesting, and I’m glad to see it getting some play in the medical journals

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Katie-Ann-Day/1700706662 Katie Ann Day

    I run into this very same problem a lot.

    I have the same worry that I might be stuck at my current weight forever, and I’ll admit the idea bothers me. But it’s also partially what keeps me motivated to stay healthy. I feel like if I keep up the effort, I’ll see results at some point, some how, no matter how bad I feel today – and it will be worth it.

    That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to look better in a dress today, of course. It’s a very frustrating place to be, I know, but you’re not the only one there! :)

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      We’ll just keep pushing on!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Katie-Ann-Day/1700706662 Katie Ann Day

    I run into this very same problem a lot.

    I have the same worry that I might be stuck at my current weight forever, and I’ll admit the idea bothers me. But it’s also partially what keeps me motivated to stay healthy. I feel like if I keep up the effort, I’ll see results at some point, some how, no matter how bad I feel today – and it will be worth it.

    That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to look better in a dress today, of course. It’s a very frustrating place to be, I know, but you’re not the only one there! :)

  • Ladybird

    I remember the first leg of your journey was low-carb. Maybe that’s a good way for you to maintain numerical progress? Either way, your non-scale progress is stunning. I am smaller than you but significantly less healthy (and working on it) and I’m just in awe of your athleticism and drive.

  • Ladybird

    I remember the first leg of your journey was low-carb. Maybe that’s a good way for you to maintain numerical progress? Either way, your non-scale progress is stunning. I am smaller than you but significantly less healthy (and working on it) and I’m just in awe of your athleticism and drive.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Thank you. Yes, I did a good portion that was low-carb. I felt crummy during a lot of it though, so there is the tossup: feel not as great but lose the numbers, or feel better but not lose the weight as fast as I want. 

  • http://twitter.com/gettinfitbritt Brittany

    I”m going do some bloodwork later this week, just to see where things stand! Maybe it’ll be EXACTLY what i need to light a fire under my arrrrrse! And can i say i can IMAGINE exactly how this convo went down! And i LOVE that i can hear your voice when reading :)

  • http://shylablogs.wordpress.com/ Shyla C.

    I love this post! It inspired my own blog post about this question. Thank you for posing this question, hun! *hugs*