Working on my (mental) fitness

image via It's a Crafty Life

I have to say thank you to everyone who wrote really kind words with response to yesterday’s post about the anniversary of my mom’s death. I was going to try to respond to all of them, but it was getting me emotional again (not in a bad way) and I already am worn out from yesterday. I’m one of those people who thinks about death being a part of life – it’s something we all experience. Whether it’s a family member or a dear friend or a pet, loss and grief are just two inherent parts of life. Does it suck? Hell yeah. Can we do something to change it? No.

After I wrote the letter to my mom yesterday, I got a little hysterical. I haven’t felt grief like that since the day she passed away. I don’t know where it came from or what triggered it (more so than being the anniversary of her death, which in years past never hit me this hard). It was a debilitating grief and my pup just let me hug on her while I tried to calm down and then sleep it off.

Things have been a little shaky with me lately, as I’m sure you’ve noticed with some of my posts. Perhaps yesterday’s meltdown was partially a result of that. I’m frustrated with my ankle. Seriously, I want to stop talking about it. I feel bad, but in physical therapy I have just wanted to go “what good is this doing?!” They sense my frustration without me having to say anything though, and it seems that my tendon injury that I’ve had OVER 1 year now without much relief at all might actually be due to nerve issues in my back. So I’ve gone from treating it with insoles to rest to cortisone shot to boot to dealing with pain to cast to another boot to physical therapy for strengthening my foot to now physical therapy for my back plus strengthening my hips and core. Working my back has helped provide temporary relief so far, so I’m hoping that I can continue to work on it and I might see some more permanent relief. I’ve been in this sedentary state for too long and it’s creeping into the old standby excuse of “well, I’m broken and it sucks so I’m going to just eat what I want.” Of course that’s not how things work.

We all want to be superstar success stories. We think if we hit some big goal or benchmark that it will make everything better and it will become easier. Going through this completely physically stagnant year since the half marathon is making me a little batty. I want to prove I can be successful and that my hard work is paying off.

The crazy thing is that looking at things in this perspective is so one-sided. Proving something to readers or to skeptics or to friends is all external validation. What I need to focus on is internal validation.

Perhaps I need a visit from Stuart Smalley:

I’m still working on being my best. I’m not writing this to tell you, I’m writing it to tell myself. Without sounding like a cosmetics commercial, I’m worth it. Thanks for hanging with me.

  • LHA

    You have every reason to feel frustrated!  You have worked so hard and to have to endure this seemingly never ending injury for a year has got to be difficult.  While I was reading this post I was thinking that you are “feeling your feelings’ which is a good thing when you are attempting to lose weight.  I have stuffed bad feelings down with tons of food way too many times to count!  I know everyone who knows you or reads your blog is pulling for you to soon be able to be physically active again.  Hang in there!  Hopefully soon this will just be a distant memory.

  • Jane

    Thanks for sharing. It is hard to be on a weight loss journey with physical and mental things to deal. Know you arent alone in your struggles and those (me) in the same situation are rooting for you.

  • Diet Schmiet

    I understand how you are feeling (being stuck myself) and it can be frustrating… but you’ve still come a long way.
    Yesterday would have been my father’s birthday (he died 5 mths ago) and I’m still trying to reconcile his absence in my life. Perhaps writing the letter and dealing with the emotional fallout was just what you needed.
    Don’t forget to be gentle with yourself.

  • Victoria S

    Hi Emmie, I’ve never commented but have been reading for some time.  I wanted to respond to the physical injury aspect of your post.  Back in 2003 I lost 117lbs with WW.  At the time I had only had one back surgery, and while it was hard to exercise, I did it.  Since then I’ve had 2 major back surgeries (a fusion and a spinal cord shunt) and been diagnosed with chronic pain and fatigue as well as fibromyaglia.  Of course my weight came back (how did THAT happen?), not all, but most of it.  And I struggle daily, hourly even with being big again and trying to be a normal person and exercise and follow a “diet”.  It’s so hard because I am my absolute worst enemy.  In 2003 I did several 3ks and such because I could, and not now being able is very hard to digest.  Please don’t be so hard on yourself…maybe you need this time to work on a different part of you, the mental/emotional part.  I’m sure most of us know that the journey to getting healthy isn’t all about the scale, but the inside stuff too.  I’m sorry the post became all about me, but what from someone on the outside kinda looking in, you rock girl, so please don’t be so hard and down on yourself!

  • Chawana Godwin

    You have inspired me to do a half marathon so don’t give up! I have a pinched nerve in my back and I refuse to let it keep in the bed (plus lying around all day hurts more)! I invested in a spin bike to help me on the days that I feel I can’t even walk. My best advise, let your body heal! Try Pilates to keep the weight off your ankle…it also helps to strengthen the core and back. I used to do the Windsor Pilates 20 min workout…what a workout! Just remember do not give up and to find other alternatives to keeping active! Good Luck!

  • Kelly @ No Sugar Sweet Life

    Hang in there gf.  I just wrote about TODAY that “there are going to be days when it’s suuuuuuper hard and
    you just want to cave and give up… and you’ll feel like it was easier and better when you didn’t care… and you’ll need that internal resolve to continue.”  You have accomplished SOOOOOO MUCH.  So don’t get down on yourself.  Keep focusing on healthy eating and living – and eventually you’ll get to add that exercise back in that you liked. 

  • mistymathews

    You are right. It’s a lifetime journey. I needed to be reminded of that today, too.

  • Jody R. Goldenfield

    This really hit home today – huge hugs & thank you for being so honest!

  • KCLAnderson (Karen)

    You hit it out of the park with this one Emmie…and I can so relate. There have been so many times when I operate from a place of wanting to prove something, and it never works out well. Hang in there my friend…

  • Roz@weightingfor50

    Hi Emmie, thank you so much for your honesty and openness with your posts.  I don’t comment often, but I do really like your blog.  Best wishes.