I can't believe it's almost Friday. This past week has been oddly peaceful. As soon as I gave myself permission to stop chasing after the next race or next challenge, an immense peace has come over me. I've had some lingering pain in my ankle, but I've been able to stretch, rest, and work on strengthening it on my own. I went for a couple of walks. I checked in with my doctor and for the first time in years haven't worried about what the blood pressure monitor would say. (114/70)
I'm not a calm person by nature. I'm always chasing something and have a list of 101 things I want to do after I finish the list of 101 things I'm working on at the moment. I went to my therapist late last week and I realized my feelings of inadequacy, failure, and general suckiness were gone. My undercurrent of panic that constantly hums in my brain was silent. Vanished. I know they'll be back soon enough, but for now I'm trying to soak in the calm as much as possible.
This evening, I went on my back porch and laid back in a reclining lounger and soaked up sunshine and warm weather for an hour until I woke myself up with a light snore. I want to capture this peace in a bottle for taking when the anxiety returns and I find myself exhausted after chasing something else that has occupied my mind.
Don't mistake this calm for laziness, loss of ambition, or giving up. It's quite the opposite – I suppose this is what people mean when they say “quiet resolve.” I feel stronger than ever, and there is no doubt in my mind that I will keep pushing towards life – whether that's watching pounds leave me on the scale or it's having a new experience I never could have imagined at 455 pounds.
Thanks for being with me on this journey – all the highs, lows, and in-between – I appreciate you!