Note: I'm writing this post not to defend myself or to cry foul over dissenting comments. I really think this has been a valuable learning lesson and just want to explain the processing of the episode a bit.
A little over a week ago, I wrote a blog post called “Accepting the Now.” I'd love if you checked it out in it's entirety before moving forward in this post, but to summarize:
- I'm tired of the endless runaround and analysis my head plays with itself with regards to my weight
- I need to be okay with where I am right now, weight wise. Not that I'm accepting this as “it,” or giving up, but not beating myself up about it right now
It garnered two comments that were critical in nature, and they knocked me on my butt. People jumped to my defense and I'm thankful, but in the end, the reason the comments knocked the wind out of me: They are true. (Well, some are. Some aren't. I'll get to that.)
These are the comments I'm going to refer to.
Comment 1 is easy for me to discard, as so much of it just isn't true. I work 50-60 hours per week with my company, and the income from this blog is absolutely not a “gravy train.” I could argue that if I did lose the weight to become “skinny,” I'd probably have MORE sponsors since it'd be looked at as a weight loss success and I could work with many more companies. There are bloggers in every niche imaginable, and whether thin or fat, there are sponsors that would work with them. I am branded as a weight loss blogger. I'm working on losing weight. If I'm not losing right this second, does that mean I've given up or haven't lost weight yet? No. So, this comment isn't really the focus of this post. It is what it is, and people can have whatever opinions they want.
Comment 2 is what knocked me over. Let me explain a little more. Here's a video. I'm long winded, so feel free to skip the video and just read afterwards. I'll try to more eloquently (and succinctly) describe the jumble in my head.
- You are worthless
- You are disgusting
- You are a slob
- You won't ever amount to anything
- No one likes you
Over the years, I've worked hard to turn the voices down or to make them less frequent. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm a people pleaser. I want to get a gold star and a pat on the head that is a positive token I can keep with me until the voices come and rip it away again.
Downward movements on the scale are just like little gold stars. I haven't had those stars in a long time, so more thoughts have been ringing in my head lately.
- If you wanted to lose weight, you would
- You're not trying hard enough
- No one thinks you're a success at all
- Who are you kidding, you'll always be fat
Notice how those statements are extremely similar to the highlighted words from comment 2? Someone ripped off the veil and has pointed out my greatest insecurities that I tell myself on a daily, and even hourly, basis. An amplifier has been plugged into the darkest part of my brain to make these words even more loud, frequent, and true.
I went to work out the day the comments hit the blog, and I just felt awful. My body felt heavier than ever, my motivation was in the toilet, and when I was finished, I slammed the car door shut and just cried. The Band-Aid had been ripped off to expose the gross, oozing center of a lifelong wound.
I don't blame whoever wrote the comment for making me feel bad. I am a blogger, and I know that opening myself up on such a public level means that I'm opening myself up to the court of public opinion. When the opinion hits with my ongoing insecurities, it just stings more.
All I can do is keep pushing myself for the answers, but not in a way that is punishing or self-deprecating. Going into this part of my brain isn't fun, but it's a necessary part of making this my forever life. I know one day, my body will follow.