Lifting the veil to expose insecurities

Note: I’m writing this post not to defend myself or to cry foul over dissenting comments. I really think this has been a valuable learning lesson and just want to explain the processing of the episode a bit.

A little over a week ago, I wrote a blog post called “Accepting the Now.” I’d love if you checked it out in it’s entirety before moving forward in this post, but to summarize:

  • I’m tired of the endless runaround and analysis my head plays with itself with regards to my weight
  • I need to be okay with where I am right now, weight wise. Not that I’m accepting this as “it,” or giving up, but not beating myself up about it right now

It garnered two comments that were critical in nature, and they knocked me on my butt. People jumped to my defense and I’m thankful, but in the end, the reason the comments knocked the wind out of me: They are true. (Well, some are. Some aren’t. I’ll get to that.)

These are the comments I’m going to refer to.

Comment 1:

Comment 1 is easy for me to discard, as so much of it just isn’t true. I work 50-60 hours per week with my company, and the income from this blog is absolutely not a “gravy train.” I could argue that if I did lose the weight to become “skinny,” I’d probably have MORE sponsors since it’d be looked at as a weight loss success and I could work with many more companies. There are bloggers in every niche imaginable, and whether thin or fat, there are sponsors that would work with them. I am branded as a weight loss blogger. I’m working on losing weight. If I’m not losing right this second, does that mean I’ve given up or haven’t lost weight yet? No. So, this comment isn’t really the focus of this post. It is what it is, and people can have whatever opinions they want.

Comment 2:

Comment 2 is what knocked me over. Let me explain a little more. Here’s a video. I’m long winded, so feel free to skip the video and just read afterwards. I’ll try to more eloquently (and succinctly) describe the jumble in my head.

Every day, I have thoughts in my mind that reverberate. Call them remnants of emotional abuse or low self esteem or a combo of both:

  • You are worthless
  • You are disgusting
  • You are a slob
  • You won’t ever amount to anything
  • No one likes you

Over the years, I’ve worked hard to turn the voices down or to make them less frequent. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m a people pleaser. I want to get a gold star and a pat on the head that is a positive token I can keep with me until the voices come and rip it away again.

Downward movements on the scale are just like little gold stars. I haven’t had those stars in a long time, so more thoughts have been ringing in my head lately.

  • If you wanted to lose weight, you would
  • You’re not trying hard enough
  • No one thinks you’re a success at all
  • Who are you kidding, you’ll always be fat

Notice how those statements are extremely similar to the highlighted words from comment 2? Someone ripped off the veil and has pointed out my greatest insecurities that I tell myself on a daily, and even hourly, basis. An amplifier has been plugged into the darkest part of my brain to make these words even more loud, frequent, and true.

I went to work out the day the comments hit the blog, and I just felt awful. My body felt heavier than ever, my motivation was in the toilet, and when I was finished, I slammed the car door shut and just cried. The Band-Aid had been ripped off to expose the gross, oozing center of a lifelong wound.

I don’t blame whoever wrote the comment for making me feel bad. I am a blogger, and I know that opening myself up on such a public level means that I’m opening myself up to the court of public opinion. When the opinion hits with my ongoing insecurities, it just stings more.

All I can do is keep pushing myself for the answers, but not in a way that is punishing or self-deprecating. Going into this part of my brain isn’t fun, but it’s a necessary part of making this my forever life. I know one day, my body will follow.

 

  • http://twitter.com/epicbeergirl Epic Beer Girl

    I think that nobody can truly know what you are going through. You have made a hugely personal life experience into one that is public. People achieve goals in different manners. If you need to take a break and re-assess, there is nothing wrong with that. Many people who have gone through weight loss have experienced the same challenges as you have. I hope you will not let negative comments deter you from your ultimate goal. I commend you for blogging and for responding to negative comments! You can do this! : )

    • http://www.facebook.com/rakelfairfull Rakel Fairfull

      I think the people who go slowly, take maintenance breaks, etc actually tend to keep the weight off when they reach their goal. Plus, if someone goes all the way through and loses the weight really quickly, they are likely to gain it back, or could even hurt their body due to the rapid changes. Not to say that you couldn’t be successful if you lost weight quickly, I’m just saying it’s not a bad thing if you take your time and have some breaks.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you for the vote of confidence! :)

  • Betty

    I would love to see you more actively post how you are trying to lose weight. As a fellow 300+ pounder who is going through this now I come back to your site to see how great you look now in clothes, etc but am disappointed that I’m not able to connect with you in this way (active weight loss). You HAVE lost a lot of weight and I want to see you do more so I can know it’s doable. Selfish? Yes! lol I’m just saying I am here cheering you on and wishing you were able to move past your hump for more than just my selfish reasons but I’m selfish too! :) Keep up the good work! don’t stop the fashion – it inspires me to take better care of myself! Keep at it!

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Hi Betty – totally understand what you’re asking and I think it will be good for me to do more of that. Because despite what people think, I am still actively trying! Glad you like the fashion stuff too :)

  • Amanda

    You are not your blog. Your blog is not your identity. That said, regardless of how great and full your life is now, your blog, your weight loss blog, does seem lately to be unfocused or kind of lost. If the prism of the blog (i.e., losing weight) no longer fits what you want to be writing about, maybe it’s time to refocus the blog rather than try to make it about something that’s not of interest to you right now and hasn’t been for some time.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Amanda, thanks for the feedback. I guess the way I see it is that everything I write feels extremely tied to weight loss (well, MY weight loss) even if it’s not explicitly “I worked out today and ate these foods and the scale said this.” That being said, I do understand that people coming looking for one thing might be confused at what I’ve been writing lately. I think I just need to stop overthinking everything and just exist in whatever space I’m occupying right now. Is “floaty la la land” a category? LOL.

  • Rachael

    I know this won’t fix all the negative comments, but I hope these reverberate in your mind for a while today. :)

    You are worthy of so much love and kindness in this life.
    You are BEAUTIFUL!
    You are organized – just look at that amazing planner and cute office you have!
    You have already amounted to so much with your social media company and the amazing community you started here.
    Everyone on this blog loves YOU and that’s why we keep coming back.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you Rachael :)

  • Holly

    I think that the idea of saying “just try harder” is really over-simplified and it’s a trap that we often fall into and beat ourselves up with. What works for one person will maybe work for someone else, maybe not. It’s okay to just be for a little while. It’s a journey, not a sprint. I am disappointed to see that some of the readers are not grasping the idea of food addiction and other underlying causes for weight challenges. If it was just as easy as “putting your mind to it” I’m sure it would have been done long ago. It’s as silly as telling a drug addict to just stop. It’s deeper than that. That’s NOT an excuse. Whatever your best is, is plenty good enough for you and certainly the rest of us. Thanks for sharing yourself with us and be kind to yourself that will carry you farther than anything else. I’ve been hard on myself lately too, so I’m going to take some of my own advice also!

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you Holly – yes, please take some of your own advice because it’s AWESOME!
      I think unless people have really dealt with food addiction and binging, it’s a hard concept to grasp. Self-control isn’t hard for some people, and I understand that. I just personally need to be patient with myself and hope that others will be as well. And if they aren’t, then it still should have no effect on me or what I do or how I think about myself. I’m working hard for my life, no matter how quickly I get to a number on the scale.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rakelfairfull Rakel Fairfull

    Emmie — if you never lost another pound, it wouldn’t change the fact that you’re a beautiful, kind, intelligent and completely worthwhile person that deserves to exist on this planet. Your decision to lose weight is YOURS and nobody elses’. If you decided to stop, then that’s also your decision. Frankly, I think you’ve done an amazing job… if you keep doing what you’re doing, it will still be to your benefit, even if the scale doesn’t budge. I wrestle with the same inner demons you have… I completely understand how you feel. I’ve had people tell me before that if I just wanted it more, I would do it. It’s easy to SAY that… but if you don’t know all of the circumstances and issues that person faces how do you know that? Do you know everything there is to know about that person’s medical history, genetics, detailed specs of what they eat, how they exercise? No. You don’t. So STFU KTHNXBYE. :) What works for one, may not work for another. It’s GREAT if you met your goal. Awesome. But that does not make you an expert on everyone’s health and weight loss journey.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you :)

  • metheist

    Huh. I have to admit that I usually do not read the comments to your posts. I comment every once in awhile and then go on. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying about negative thoughts going through your head and the struggle to accept yourself where you are. I am impressed that rather than taking a “magic pill” (aka surgery), you have chosen the difficult path to healing (aka actually working through past and present). I commend you for that because for those of us choosing that path, it isn’t all blue skies, flowers and butterflies. There are periods of positivity and periods of darkness. I think that during those dark periods is when we are growing–we just don’t physically see it until what we have learned manifests itself in action. You are where you are and the beautiful thing is that you are acknowledging it and you are looking forward to the future. The thing to remember is that you are still moving (physically and mentally).

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      thank you. I’m considering this time “growing pains.” Necessary, but uncomfortable :)

  • Lilly

    I feel the exact. same. way. Exactly.
    I started doing DDPYoga in May. it was hard and part of me hated it (as I really don’t like exercise, endorphins schmorphins) but it did help me. my back pain went away. LIFE happened and i stopped for a week, which turned into two which turned into a month…it’s been 3 months now. I say, every day, that my back is hurting again and I need to get back to the yoga and I need to get back to losing weight.
    Do I?
    Nope.
    Not yet.
    Am I miserable? Yep. Every day. So why can’t I make myself? NO EFFING IDEA.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      You’ll do it again when you’re ready. It might not be when others think you are ready or even when you are in pain. People get blocked in so many ways mentally. Fear of starting? Fear of failing? I’m not sure what it is, but you CAN and WILL push past it and get back on path. Be kind to yourself.

  • TJ

    But Emmie, I used to weigh 800+ pounds and now I weigh a svelte 67, and I did that despite having five children and an elderly mother at home to take care of, working 70+ hours per week at my job feeding homeless kittens, and being in traction for four months with three broken legs! If I can do it, you can!

    Dude, fuck those guys.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      I just snorted.

  • J.L.

    Emmie, have you ever read anything by Geneen Roth? I saw her maybe 15 years ago on Oprah. She really resonated with me, and I read some of her books afterwards. I am overweight because it serves an emotional purpose for me. I’m not an emotional eater in the sense of I do not eat to deal with emotions. I eat because emotionally/mentally I need to stay overweight. Being overweight keeps me “safe” in all kinds of ways I don’t want to go into on a public forum. Knowing this has not helped me keep the weight off. I’ve followed your blog for quite awhile and I’ve wondered if your weight serves a purpose for you too. I’ve wondered if the weight loss slowed down because you “need” to keep the weight on right now. Please don’t take this as criticism because you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. It is what it is. You are beautiful just the way you are. You have a lot of strengths. Please stop knocking yourself down.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Yes – Geneen Roth has great books. I have actually explored if I was keeping the weight on for staying “safe” from something, but am certain now that it’s not the case personally. I do think for some people it is an extremely valid situation.

      I appreciate your kind words and input :)

  • Emily

    I subscribe to tons of “healthy living” and weight loss blogs. In fact, they’re the only blogs I read. I am SO TIRED of bloggers who don’t address their insecurities or admit that their lives aren’t perfect. I’m tired of reading blogs written by women who write superficial posts about what they ate, how many calories they burned running, and how idyllic their lives are. This is a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for addressing that yes, weight loss is hard, and yes, you’re not perfect at it. Thanks for admitting that you have insecurities. This is what blogging is supposed to be – writing posts like this helps me and the rest of your readers reflect on our own roadblocks and insecurities. Regardless if your blog stays focused on weight loss or if you transition it to a different focus, I love that you’re a self-reflective, real person blogging about real issues.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you, I appreciate it.

  • http://twitter.com/WanderingAngie Wandering Angie

    Hi Emmie,
    I’ve read your blog for a while, but never commented, I just like to read your thoughts.
    I’m also been dealing with my insecurities recently and it sucks when they are pointed out in black and white. We can either chose to ignore them or be open and know they are a part of us so we can move forward. This post was honest and brave as you are acknowledging them head on – go Emmie!
    You have inspired me to do the same :)

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      thank you :) All we can do is push forward to make the lives we want for ourselves!

  • http://www.theyearofthephoenix.com/ Jill (Lady Lazarus)

    I’ve read your blog almost since the beginning — I still remember when a friend living in Lexington recommended it to me (and I still wish I was living in Lexington at the time, as I feel we would get along famously!)

    Not to completely disregard everything that you’ve stated, but in the first comment is correct in that you ARE self identified as a “weight loss blogger” and I think that’s where people are getting tripped up, because you’ve stopped talking about weight loss. I know there were very valid reasons for that and I’m not in anyway saying you should suddenly try to continue to lose the weight. Instead, I’m thinking it might be time to consider rebranding yourself as a healthy living blog.

    When I started my blog I know I set myself up for as weight loss, but as the blog went on and that somehow became less of an emphasis, I stopped calling myself a weight loss blogger. You and I both know that weight =/= health and you can have a healthy living blog at whatever size you want. And once you start to lose weight again — if you choose to and I guarantee the majority of your readers will support you either way — you can still call yourself a healthy living blog as it’s all wrapped up in the same idea.

    That being said, as someone else pointed out, I always appreciate how honest and raw you are in talking about your vulnerabilities. Too many blogs put on this happy veneer that, frankly, gets really really annoying after awhile and I like seeing the sincere bloggers who put it all out there.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Hi Jill – I appreciate your comments and agree that we would get along famously!

      I guess right now, I don’t really care what this blog is called. Weight loss, healthy living, insanity, self-reflection… It’s just a category and I’m not firmly in one place or another. I do think it’s tripping people up, but the more I’m sitting with this, the more I realize it’s not really my problem to worry about. If it’s not providing content they find of value, no matter what I call it, then it’s just not a good fit and they can move on. I know there are people who read who don’t have any weight to lose, so who knows.

      I really value your feedback :)

  • Melissa

    Emmie, I think you have misinterpreted what the comments are saying to you. Though I’ve only read the comments in the above article, but based on these I don’t see anywhere that the readers are telling you, you are worthless? Yes, they are questioning your efforts currently to try and lose weight, but they are not saying the same thing as your negative internal voice is saying to you. That voice is something we do to ourselves. At the end of the day you have a lot of success in your life, weight loss included. You are considered a successful person by today’s standards. An MBA, a successful blog and have lost weight….hello? Please try not to forget that.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Hi Melissa – I don’t think the readers were telling me I’m worthless – that’s just what I hear in my head at any sort of criticism. Someone could tell me I parked crooked and I might have that extreme of a reaction. Working on re-wiring my brain to stop automatically going to that place when it’s completely unnecessary!

  • theheldeneater

    One thing I think is very important about weight loss blogging is blogging through EVERY stage of weight loss if possible from just starting out through maintaining, and sometimes that includes plateaus both physical and mental. I regularly read maybe a dozen weight loss blogs and everyone is all over the map, which is a great thing to remember when I myself feel like I’m all over the map. I can be inspired by the people who are getting stronger and making a lot of progress, but I can also read about discouragement and feel that I’m not alone.

    so tl;dr write whatever you want :)

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      thank you :)

  • http://twitter.com/MommaHunt16 Erica Zamsky Hunt

    I just needed to put my two cents in. I have been struggling for a long time in my journey as well. I stopped blogging about it because it was too painful to talk about what I wasn’t doing. The reality was I wasn’t mentally able to deal with it. I am an emotional eater who has an eating disorder. Sometimes loosing weight becomes an obsession for me-I want those gold stars of weight loss and get obsessed about it. For me I needed to take a break from the mental abuse I was doing to myself about loosing weight, not loosing enough weight, obsessing about the scale etc. I have recently decided that I am in a better mental place to try and loose weight again and it feels right.
    I think your other post about loving the you now is so criticially important. I have realized through a greatly changing weight that unless I love myself as I am in the moment I am in…loosing 50 pounds isn’t going to change the bottom line. I need to love myself first then the rest will fall into line.
    I am sending you a big virtual hug and telling you to hang in there-it sucks to have the bandaid ripped off-but sometimes the best medicine for a wound is air!

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you for sharing your experience and for your encouragement. You’re totally right – loving yourself first is the only way to really make progress. xo

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    As usual, I feel like you’ve plucked this entry from my personal journal. I so get what you’re saying, 100%. It’s hard when someone holds up a mirror to your own insecurities. The part in your vlog about “it’s like putting it on a loud speaker” <— YES. This, times a million.

    Isn't it strange how, even if we're doing well, we STILL tear ourselves down? I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Example: I get up early, work out, and I think wow, Emily, you did awesome! you feel great! and then in the same exact moment I think why don’t you do this ALL the time? Think of all the time you’ve wasted. you are so worthless. It’s exhausting.

    Keep up the good work, Em. You’re making us all proud – and I hope you feel proud of yourself, too!

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      thank you, Em. xo

  • laura

    I lost over a 100 lbs and I still feel the same – maybe this person forgot what it was like … good for you dude – running coach – run into traffic…. and get fucking life

  • http://twitter.com/ScreaminFatGirl SFG

    One important step in moving ahead toward your goals is accepting who you are. People who think you have to keep on hating yourself for motivation are wrong. Self-acceptance helps you believe you are strong enough to do what you need to do to be who you want to be. Rejection and judgement make you feel unworthy and incapable.
    Saying, “I’m OK with who I am” does not mean a person is giving up. It means he or she is granting himself or herself the permission and the power to be fully human. You are acknowledging your worth, not settling for less.

    Anyone who doesn’t see this or judges you is not worth your time. When you can take those comments as the sad needs of people who need to piggyback on your struggles as a means of elevating their own lacking sense of self-worth, you will have experienced more success than can be achieved with any amount of weight loss.

    I learned that I could never hate myself into a healthy body. I could
    love myself into one, because then I was worthy of the care and effort
    it was going to take. Kudos to you for putting yourself out there, and for getting therapy. Your “failure” will mean a lot more to people than the easy “success” of your detractors.

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      thank you for the feedback. I love that you said “I could never hate myself into a healthy body” because it is so incredibly true. Great nugget of wisdom!

  • Heather

    I read your blog because I feel in some ways that you are a mirror image of myself. I blog about my weight loss and here’s an entry I wrote a while back that I think applies to the situation

    Why Can’t I Lose Weight?

    Addiction: When you are dealing with any addiction, especially food where you need it to live you will always have relapses.

    Fear of something new: You have had your current body for years and years and getting down to a size you have never been or haven’t been since you were younger is a scary thing, because in a way you are killing off a part of yourself. Your identity tends to alter when you lose weight, and you can feel lost until you get used to it.

    Self Esteem: Because sometimes you feel like you don’t deserve better for whatever reason your mind comes up with or something in your past history.

    Fear of failure: Though you know you can succeed in losing the weight, the fear of getting there and having to maintain it can sometimes sabotage your goal.

    Fear of what lies at the end of the journey: When we set a goal for ourselves, we tend to think that by accomplishing it we’ll be happier in our lives. The fear of getting there and still feeling the same, and not gaining happiness also sabotages us. We are comfortable with being unhappy right now with the hope of happiness because we are used to it. Obtaining that “happiness” and losing it or getting there and finding out that there isn’t happiness on the other-side can be devastating.

    What it boils down to is we are comforted in our discomfort because it’s familiar.

    There are so many battles fought in the mind when it comes to food which is why we have a million diet programs, products, and gyms and are still an overweight society. We can’t win a mental battle with just outward practices, because it’s like putting fresh paint on rotten wood.

    I admire you for what you’re doing, because I couldn’t do it. Keep up the good work!

    • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      wow, that analogy of putting fresh paint on rotten wood is really appropriate. Got to fix the foundation first. Thanks so much

  • http://www.authenticallyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

    Thank you Mary. I respect your journey a lot, and am glad that you also think that “goal weight” is a myth. I want to be strong and healthy and be able to live a life that I want, not always wondering about “will I fit there” or “could I handle that activity.”

    Thanks again. xo

  • amy smith

    I’m new to your blog and I love it already. I love your honesty. Don’t let people get you down, especially yourself. A few years ago I went from a size 28 to a size 18, then got pregnant and moved and my life fell apart and I got back into bad habits (eating out, eating lots of processed foods). It wasn’t until just recently that I decided *it’s time*, it’s time to change everything! I’m in a size 26 and just under 340lbs right now. The goal isn’t to be at a certain weight, but I do want to be at a specific size (an 8-10). My son is nearly 20 months old right now and I want to be a good example for him, I want him to have a healthy mom. So I make sure to do simple things, go on walks, make a fresh glass of fruit/veggie juice with my juicer every day. Eat *real* grains and only processed foods rarely. Go to group fitness classes because those are the MOST fun. These things work for me. You do what works for you. Like a lot of other people have said, loving yourself is part of the journey. You need to love that you are able. You need to love that you are beautiful (even when you don’t feel it). You need to love that you have such an amazing support team (with me now as a new member!). And you just need to take it one day at a time. So what if today you feel like a fat slob, we all have those days. Tomorrow is a fresh new day and will be better, because YOU will make it better by making healthy, fun choices.
    I’ve saved your blog to my favorites and am looking forward to sharing this journey with you soon to be skinny emmie :o)

  • Brina

    Less fix, more heal.
    Be kind to yourself. No one gets to adulthood unscathed. No one is perfect.

    It took me awhile to connect with your blog. I love your honesty but I loathe all the shopping, style and affiliate links. But hey, your blog, your rules. You teach your readers so much and I think your openness is admirable. I miss the fitness posts. But eff the negative noise, you’re killin’ it.

  • Pam

    You can’t change a body you hate or don’t accept. Positive changes and a healthier body comes from a place of self-love and a drive for optimal health. People who are set on “punishing their weakness” or starving themselves striving for unattainable aesthetic goals are not going to be successful in long-term fat loss and health.

    I think you’re on the right tracking finding acceptance and happiness in the now, but keep your eyes and mind on that ultimate goal of health and vibrancy that you have. Love yourself as much as you can and be gentle with yourself! Our minds are powerful tools in this health journey!

    A fantastic post and philosophy that has helped many people to see the value in loving yourself and striving for optimal health above all else: http://everydaypaleo.com/2011/08/05/you-cant-fix-a-body-you-hate/

  • http://twitter.com/24to30 24 to 30

    Emmie I just found your blog through Twitter, and I’m so glad I did, because I feel like you and I could be best friends (I mean that in a totally non-creepy way considering that I’m a total stranger!). I LOVE your blog, and I can totally relate to everything I’ve read so far. I love in your other post where you said that the only opinion that matters is yours. How true, and thanks for the reminder. I love that you are HONEST and not faking it. If you are content with where you are and don’t feel like you need to lose any more weight right now, then I think that is so awesome! Those people that are basically telling you that you owe them weight lose because you write a weight loss blog are full of crap. Being kind to yourself and living and enjoying life are so much more important than what a bunch of cynical internet commenters have to say. I think you rock.

  • Christy

    I can totally relate to what you’re going through. I’ve been just shy of 400 pounds and I’m just now at 330. This is such a long, rocky road that people do not understand if they have not been on our road. I applaud you for being as open as you have been here. I truly enjoy reading your journey thus far and hope you continue allowing us to be included in your journey.

  • Shelladawn

    I was just reading Kenlie’s blog and she has trouble with this crap too. What is wrong with people? I lost heaps of weight, now I run, blah de blah had a bubby whilst I was running blah de f**king blah, good on you lovey (if any of thats true) Well done for your 2 commentators. I find people who write hurtful things disguised as “friendly enquiries” and tryinng to be “helpful” more annoying and evil than out and out trolls. They are obviously not happy with their own lives. Emmie you totally rock. Love your outlook and your fashion and I admire you for how much weight you have lost. You are beautiful and brilliant. They SUCK! The end.

  • Kristi Mout

    Ditto forget those people. They are not your friends. The REAL followers of your blog care about YOU. I care about you. How you are doing. If you aren’t losing weight, that is real. and in the long run, maintenance is so much better than not dealing with the issues, losing it, and gaining back as I have. now i have to start all over, but you are doing this the healthy way. it’s hard, but once you get there, your habits are for life. ad that’s what this is, a lifestyle. it’s not about impressing people. it’s about you being yourself, and I love you for who you are. your courage. your constant creativity, and you are a constant inspiration. please give yourself permission to just be, just do the best you can from moment to moment. sometimes that means you slip and pick yourself up, sometimes you’re climbing ‘mountains’ , but I believe in you, and I hope you can believe in yourself soon as much as we all do. we are here for you. you need to rant, vent, talk about how great your day was, we are here for you, supporting you.

    I wonder if you’ve ever heard of inside out weight loss (OWL)? I used to listen to it often. It was available free, it may be helpful. It’s not about counting calories, workouts, or any of that. It’s trying to address the inner issues.

    I don’t work for this company or get anything from passing on the info.

  • Kristi Mout

    btw, I’ve been with you for years, and you are awesome.

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  • LHA

    Emmie, I want to personally thank you for all the work you have put into your blog. It has helped me a great deal to read about your struggles and your successes. I don’t understand why some people would write such critical things! I do understand how it makes you feel. I am much older than you, but the feelings carried over from a lifetime of obesity are so very painful. Feelings of inadequacy, of shame, of failure…..these are so difficult to shake. I can still hear well meaning adults telling me that I should “go on a diet” at age 6!!!! I can still hear the taunts of over children calling me “fatso” and “tub-o-lard”. I can remember coming in from playing outside and sobbing in my room because of the cruelty of other children. The saddest thing of all is that when I look at photos of myself as a child I was merely chubby, not obese!

    To me it doesn’t matter one iota if you are losing weight or not. You are giving voice to many ideas and thoughts and feelings that resonate with those of us who are struggling for a healthy life at a healthy weight. We are behind you in your quest to start losing weight again and we are supportive of you if that never happens. I so appreciate your honest accounting of what it feels like to be a person of size in a world that values and glorifies extreme thinness. You are explaining and personifying and humanizing what many of us go through and I thank you for that. You are terrific, inspirational, and successful on many levels. To put yourself out there and express your honest emotions while striving for self improvement makes you a hero in my book.

  • AJ

    Emmie, I’m sick of those people who think if you’re not super skinny you must be unhealthy, unfit and sit at home scoffing down potatoe chips all day. For many it simply isn’t true, its a stereotype and something that society feeds us all to keep a multi million dollar industry going- the weight loss industry. Like it or not some people just like to feel superior so they’ll pick on others to make themselves feel better. It’s hard to silence the inner voices punishing you when it’s echoed all around you by others.

    You know what one of the worst are though? Those that do manage to reach their weight loss goals and forget what it’s like. They get a massive superiority complex (Or maybe its an echo of the insecurities from when they were overweight) which they feel the need to throw out their “achievements” as a lecture to others about how much better they are now than them to put others down and make themselves feel better.

    So really, since when should your weight be relatable to self worth anyway? There are far more important things in life than a dress size. (Even though many will try to tell you otherwise).

    In my opinion the message should be a lot more positive for everyone out there. You know what, try to be happy with yourself, make lifestyle choices to suit yourself and try not to get too down if everything doesn’t happen exactly as you want. Everyone’s different and needs their own approach. Some people are going to have it easier than others, it’s just life (and genetics) unfortunately. Just pick a goal and keep going, you’ll get there sooner or later. You can do it :)

    Good luck and best wishes. Keep writing :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/johanna.eppley Johanna Eppley

    I love your blog. It inspires me to continue my journey. If anyone has ever been in our shoes they should know that this shit is not easy! Nobody is perfect and we all have moments of self doubt and set backs and I love that you are honest and real about those because surely 99% (that freak in comment #2 is the 1%) actually have a really hard struggle to lose weight and keep it off and do so with a lot of emotional moments along the way and don’t run 90 miles while giving birth. I am not sure you said you were going to stop changing or that you weren’t planning on losing weight anymore… anyone hear her say that???? So WTF? I don’t get frustrated by “I know I should” or “I wish I could” I say THANK GOD I AM NORMAL!!!!!! You are real and thats why I follow you! Thank you for your success and sharing your CONTINUING journey with all of us.

  • http://twitter.com/StarvingDiva StarvingDiva

    As someone who has struggled with their weight all their life, I actually like an in your face wake up call, because quite frankly I didn’t get fat by eating carrots and just being big boned. I wish someone smacked my face with truths a long time ago. I have a mental block about the size 14, since I have gotten to the point that I’m almost in it, I have for 3 months, just flailed about, not exercising as much, not eating the correct foods, it’s a mental block related to I believe relationships, but can’t really pinpoint, when myfitnesspal people get on my case, when my fellow bloggers that read me tell me to get my shit together, I appreciate it, because I believe they want me to succeed. If you aren’t moving forward in the weight loss in a long time, then maybe you need a smack and a wake up call. I haven’t been here long enough to know how long your weight loss has been stalled. But i appreciate all comments, good, bad and ugly. Don’t let any insecurities you may have cloud your judgement of what is being said to you. Words are simply black lettering on a page, you dictate the tone. The person that upset you so much, really could be on the other side of the computer, really feeling that they are giving you good advice and never intended to hurt you.

  • Meg

    Just started my 100# journey…a lot of my journey is not about the workouts or the healthy eating…it is me being true to myself. I have the exact same insecurities that you have. I just found your blog tonight and I’m amazed that your entry today is all about my biggest challenge. My new mantra is four words…comfortable, strong, beautiful, committed. I fake it for everyone else…time to stop the faking and begin making it real!

  • Leora Fulvio

    Emmie, I love your blog. Weight loss is difficult for sure, but so is self-acceptance. Perhaps self acceptance is even more difficult than weight loss. Choosing to focus (obsess even) on dieting is sometimes a way to just not focus on you and who you are and what you’re feeling and what you need (the universal you that is)… If you you Emmie, are brave enough to stop and take a break and say “who am I at this moment? who am I without stepping on the scale every morning? can I accept who I am today?” than I really feel so much awe for you. It’s hard to do that. In her book Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach says that the irony of change is that you need to accept yourself first, before you can change. Self acceptance doesn’t mean that you aren’t loving and caring for yourself, it means that you love and care for yourself enough, as you are, to TAKE care of yourself. It’s difficult to love and care for someone who you hate.

  • http://twitter.com/300poundsdown 300 Pounds Down

    Ok..I feel like I just learned a lot more about you than I really knew. I wasn’t aware that you struggled with binge eating. I want you to know that I have struggled with this as well. I think anyone who has this problem will understand that the worst thing they can hear from someone is “just stop eating so much”. Binge eating is tied to so many different issues. The worst part is that you can be having a totally fine day or week and then something will happen. It could be a trigger, a flashback, a comment. I’ve even had scents remind me of something and then out of no where the overwhelming urge to binge rises b/c that is my way of coping with some uncomfortable emotion that the trigger caused. It is so deeply inside of me to binge sometimes that it is pure hell to avoid it. I had weight loss surgery so therefore I am in many ways like a dog with a choke chain. It keeps me from being able to binge and has forced me to deal with things. However that can also lead to depression b/c you can’t binge!! I also have to deal with an anxiety and panic disorder. I used to handle this by carrying a pound bag of peanut m and m’s in my purse at all times. I’ve been on medication and in therapy. And what you said is true. Its exhausting! Sometimes I feel like just being me is exhausting! I have to manage myself so carefully to avoid binge eating that it’s like every day is walking through a mine field hoping I don’t step on something that sets me off. I am sorry for this longwinded response but your video really resonated with me. I just want to thank you for sharing yourself and opening yourself up to criticism. I do believe that this video explained so well what many people out there in the world feel about themselves. The voices in our head are bullies through and through. But this much I know…the voices are WRONG. You are not gross, disgusting or worthless. The fact that you went to the gym on the very day that you received a comment that upset you proves you are a warrior. If you never lose another pound, you are beautiful. If you gained back every pound you have lost, you are still beautiful. The reality is that the fact that you don’t give up and continue to fight proves you are someone of strong courage and great strength. It isn’t always whether you’re winning or losing the battle. Sometimes it’s just about the fact that you’re willing to stay in the fight. I admire you. You inspire me and I hope you never stop sharing your life with those who need the hope you have to offer. Because you really do give people hope that even when they feel bad, they can still keep going.

  • anna2556

    Eh, if I wanted to read about a “perfect” weight loss campaign with someone who just gets off their couch and loses hundreds of pounds, I’d be on THEIR blogs. I come to yours not for weight loss advice (after 10 years of obesity, I’m pretty familiar with the calorie versus exertion formula). I come here to feel good about myself while I’m on that journey and not just at the hopeful end of it. For the first time in years, my closet isn’t filled with outfits that try to mask and hide under tons of fabric. I own form fitting clothes. I wear colorful ones (instead of just black). And I don’t think I could have ever done that without seeing you pull it off. Sure, we have plus sized models now, and they look great. But they’re a nicely proportioned plus with a well-defined waist and range between 16-12 for the most part. Seeing you…you with a figure reminiscent of my own (though admittedly I do envy your height) and so beautiful in how you carry and present yourself…that’s what continues to draw me here. We don’t have the same way of looking at food, and I don’t have access to those nifty exercise programs you showcase, but you still inspire me.