Hello and welcome to another edition of #TransparentTuesday! During #TransparentTuesday, we remove the rosy filters of social media and share real life.
My Google Calendar oh-so-politely reminded a couple weeks ago that it was my wedding anniversary. I still can't believe how happy and calm I felt now that a year has passed since my divorce. My choice of wardrobe made me laugh all day. (See the original post of the shirt here, back in my “Flaming Hot Cheetos” hair days.) My last name is Ho. It's funny, poeple!
I hesitate to talk about dating and such here for a few reasons:
- The Google Fu is strong: A potential date can already hit up Google and find out nearly everything about me.
- Perception of being an over-sharer: I don't want any potential date to think that I'm going to automatically write about them. On OKCupid there's even a question that asks “Do you think it's acceptable to blog about relationships?” and I've yet to see someone who says it's fine. But as long as I'm not identifying anyone (unless they explicitly give me permission), I think it will be okay.
- Perception of being desperate: I got over this already because I know I'm not desperate, but it was a fear at first. Also, why do I care so much about how people perceive me??? Pish posh.
But then I figure I already share nearly everything, and I really enjoy reading about other dating experiences from people like Sarah and Kelly. I haven't been in the dating scene since I was 20, so needless to say, it's been eye-opening, terrifying, and a little fun.
So today I want to give you my first impressions of Tinder:
I understand its reputation as a hookup app. But having been on multiple dating sites, I'll tell you that they're ALL hookup apps depending on who you talk to. I know people who have met on Tinder and gone on to get married, so I'm not going to dismiss it entirely. PLUS, those who were like “ew, that's a hookup app, get off it!” I kind of just want to say, if I DID want to hook-up, there's nothing wrong with that. Girls can want that just as much as guys do:
Alas, I don't want a hook-up right now, but if I did, my vagina, my rules!
For those married or otherwise committed folk who haven't used Tinder, the premise is simple. You see 1 bio at a time and you swipe right (yes) or left (no) if you're interested. If 2 people end up swiping right on each other, it's a match and you can start texting. There is an optional short bio you can provide, and you can upload up to 5 photos. All the photos, your first name, and age pull from Facebook. You can integrate your Instagram account to your profile if you want, and you can also see how many mutual friends you have on Facebook.
At first, I was doing Tinder wrong. I was only swiping right on about one of every 20 people. I wouldn't swipe if they didn't write anything in their bio, or if they only had 1 photo. At the very beginning, I only swiped right on those who I had a mutual friend with. The thing is, most guys don't have bios, and aren't connected to people I know. So I said no to the majority of Tinder people in my area. A friend corrected my mistake and told me to start over because once you swipe left on someone, you will never see them again. The trick, she said, is to swipe right on those you think you'd remotely be interested in, and then if you match and you take a closer look, to unmatch. I deleted my account and restarted, but I still find myself being pretty picky.
Since I say no to way more people than I say yes to, let's take a look at the interesting characters.
Swipe Left (No):
- No photo: Why do they even bother?
- Mirror selfie with urinal in the background: They do realize that there are front-facing cameras AND about 28148 places other than a bathroom to take a photo in, right? Obvi not.
- Duck face: Because that shit doesn't look good on ANYONE
- Crotch grabbers: We get it, you're so proud of your junk that you can't stop touching it.
- Group photos only: 5 photos, and all of them are with other dudes? Which one are you? Maybe you should concentrate on your bromances rather than being on Tinder
- Couples: I've come across quite a few couples looking for a third.
- Men with John Boehner-level tans
- Cigarette in hands, dangling between your lips, or tucked behind your ear: This is a no smoking zone, thx.
- Admittedly married men: Came across this gem (spelling and poor grammar his) “Unappreciated husband whos wife has not had sex with him in nearly 3 years but I have a little girl who is my baby I have a good job that i like just wondering if anybody out there in a similar situation need someone to be a friend and a fwb Dont judge a man till youve walked a mile in his shoes” Uh, judging.
- Non-admittedly married men:
- Wedding rings in photos: So you're married and dumb? Hard pass.
- When you see you have 10 mutual friends and go look them up on Facebook to see Relationship Status: Married, and their profile photo from the honeymoon.
- The lonely traveler: “I'm only in town for 2 nights”
- Abs-only photos: Not looking for a makeshift washboard right now, thx.
- Kid as main photo: I'm not talking about a dad with their kid (I don't have a problem with kids). I mean just the kid. I'm sorry John, age 39, I can't judge you by the cuteness of your spawn alone.
- Those who state they're just there for a hookup: I truly appreciate the honesty, though.
- School mascot as main photo: I live in a college town, and there are a lot of sports fans here. But I can't go on a date with the Kentucky Wildcat.
- More than 1 dead animal in 5 photos: I never knew how many people hunted. Nothing wrong with it, but I'm looking to go out with you, not the 8-point buck in your freezer.
- Pointing a gun at the camera: That's an entirely new level of creepy
- Most attention-grabbing bio: “I just want to pet your hair and feed you a Chipotle burrito bowl.” (sign me up!)
- New-to-me term: Sapiosexual = One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature; behaviour of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.
- I think 90% of men on Tinder have a photo from a Tough Mudder
- I think 95% of men on Tinder are holding a fish they caught. I know you all are excited about the fish, but it shouldn't be your lead photo!
- Swiping left on your ex is insanely satisfying.
- Superlikes are shady: There is a feature where you can Superlike someone, which means the other person gets a notification that you like them, regardless if they swiped right. I've only received 2 of these, but they were both from creepsters who looked totally normal at first. So I am dubious of the Superlike.
- Daddy: A guy who had several mutual friends with me. After some friendly texts, I got the dreaded message asking me out for a drink – it was 12:15am. When I said no (because sleep), he said “If you were mine, daddy'd have all kinds of things in mind 😉 “
- Cheater: No mutual friends, but seemed genuine. We set up a coffee date. Before the date, I noticed someone new had subscribed to my public Facebook profile updates. It was him! But I noticed his profile photo was him cheek-to-cheek with a woman. So I click through to his bio, and there are loads of these photos. He said he'd been divorced for a year and a half. He texted me to chit chat, and said he was an open book. So I said, “you followed my public Facebook bio, right? The woman in the photo, are you with her?” I held my breath thinking it might be a sister or ex. Within seconds, he had unmatched me on Tinder and unfollowed me on Facebook. Having been cheated on, it gives me all the rage. People are shady.
Lessons learned from using Tinder:
- I have been really hesitant to swipe on the fitness buffs (there are a lot of them). Even though I enjoy being active as well, I have a fear that they'll swipe right on me as a joke, then hurl insults. I'm trying to combat this fear by just swiping if I'm interested. But it's been an interesting revelation. I generally feel really confident with who I am, but that fear of judgement intensifies when you're on an app where people are making snap judgements on your looks.
- Something is going on with me and beards lately. I have no idea why, but I'm suddenly a fan.
- I am much more interested in the person and their life than what they look like. But this has always been the case. Tinder is probably the worst dating app in this regards since so many use it to match on looks alone. But I can see how it would be a fabulous hookup app for those who are looking for pure physical attraction.
- The people I have actually gone out with from Tinder have been cool. No truly horrifying moments yet! I've left each one feeling like this:
Thankfully I haven't had any Bye Felipe moments or need to break out lessons from Feminist Tinder. Though I should have said something else to the guy who referred to himself as “daddy” when he was saying what he wanted to do to me. I unmatched him, so when that happens you can no longer communicate.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on Tinder. I'd much rather meet people through friends (hello, anyone? Help a girl out!), but all the kids are doing this these days. I was always an early adopter of technology, but not having been “out there” since I was 20, I'm playing catch up! At least it will make for some interesting stories.