Hello, and welcome to another edition of #TransparentTuesday! During #TransparentTuesday, we remove the rosy filters of social media and share real life.
You build yourself up enough to let a sliver of your light shine through.
You're met with positivity and you believe even more: in your beauty, your wit, and your loyalty.
One day, you throw caution to the wind, opening wide at the hinges
screaming “I am enough!”
You allow yourself to be seen – warts and all.
As soon as you think the acceptance has arrived,
you get punched in the gut.
Though it can't dull your light completely,
the sting is inevitable.
And with that comes the desire to close in on yourself once more
as you consider: maybe it's just safer in the dark.
This was not a planned post today. I've worked 70 hours the past week, my blog was down over 24 hours, and on top of that, I was exhausted. Now I'm both exhausted and sad.
For a second, he made me feel special. I was picked up for dates, had car doors opened and was kissed on my front porch without the expectation of coming in for sex. I had opened myself up: warts and all. I wasn't measured or reserved, and I didn't say things because I thought that's what I should say (or in my case, not say). I felt heard and seen completely – for what feels like the first time ever by a guy.
Today, the F bomb was dropped: Friends.
My first reaction was utter confusion, and that quickly turned into wondering what I did wrong. Am I too fat? Not pretty enough? Did I talk too much? Am I not smart enough? Do I work too much? I started picking myself apart with a fine-toothed comb. Why is that the immediate reaction?! I know the majority of women do this, and it's insanity.
With that said, I know not to waste energy on someone who doesn't want what I want. I know I'm worthy of more. That's more than I would have been able to recognize a year ago. And I am thankful to now know what feeling special – even for a brief moment – is like so I won't compromise in the future. But for tonight, I'm just going to be sad. Tomorrow I'll get up, stand in my truth, and practice shining again.