This might be a weird thing to rant about, but can I tell you how much I hate bathroom stalls? I mean, HATE.
Listen y’all, I’m a big girl. Thankfully not as big as I once was, but still way bigger than a lot of people. One of the most disgusting things about being big? Having to go into a bathroom stall that is about as wide as my hips. In completely random Skinny Emmie fashion, here are my gripes:
- The too-small stall: This encompasses about 95% of my stall complaints. Some stalls are just simply too small. I can barely wedge myself in enough to shut the door to the stall, then when it’s time to squat, my outer thighs and hips come dangerously close to the sides of the stall, toilet paper holder, and/or tampon/pad dispenser. DISGUSTING. I feel like I should Purell the hell out of my upper legs when that happens.
- The wide-but-off-centered stall: This is the most ironic stall, and it’s almost the most frustrating. You see a row of stalls, and find one that is a little wider than the others. You go to sit down (or squat if you prefer), and suddenly you realize the toilet is RIGHTupAGAINSTtheWALL (or toilet paper dispenser). It’s such a damn tease- “haha big stall but u still can’t fit” Mother trucker.
- The bar stall: So all bar bathrooms are disgusting. Being bigger, it’s hard to squat. Being bigger, it’s hard to fit in stalls. Combine the bigger with the squatting plus the unpleasantries of the floor that could be covered with god-knows-what makes the bar stall one of the most revolting places to have to go. Could be a good reason why I avoid bars. Cause goodness knows I love alcohol. I almost considered putting the Cheapside stall in a bullet point of it’s own, but stopped since not everyone will be able to relate to that one. Lets just say 2 toilets in 1 stall. WTF?
- The porta-potty: Ok, I know most people hate the porta-potty. But Skinny Emmie? Aw hell no. Typically, I can avoid the porta-potty by being in places I know have alternative toilets, even if they’re small stalls. I’ll even take a big off-centered stall before a porta-potty. Not only do they smell. Not only have a million people relieved themselves in there. Not only have many people missed the seat and you’re standing in god-knows-what. They are so damn small! AND! Those plastic things could tip over with the weight of a big girl trying to shimmy up her skinny leg jeans after a go at it! Last time I encountered the porta-potty a couple months ago, there was NO alternative. It was a bourbon festival and all they had were rows of porta-potties. They didn’t even have the pink ones for girls- it was all blue, baby. I had to have a friend stand guard in case the damn thing started tipping or rocking. Not like she could do anything to stop it. All I could imagine was me trying to get my damn jeans up, being a little tipsy, and getting off balance and causing a porta-potty domino that would have destroyed my life forever. Thankfully it didn’t happen, but I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my own home and toilets for a while after that.
- The handicap mecca: As far as public stalls go, the handicap stall is like the mecca for a big person. But you’re not really supposed to use it because it’s for handicap people. Or people with babies using the diaper table. But I admit, I use the handicap stall if there isn’t anyone else in the bathroom. Or at work, because no one on the floor I work on is handicapped.
- The airport bathroom stall: When they built airport bathroom stalls, why did they not consider that you need to get your luggage in there with you? If it’s against regulations to keep the damn bag unattended, you have no choice but to haul the damn thing in the stall with you. And if you’re big and have a big bag? Forget about it!!!
- The airplane bathroom stall: Must I even explain this one? I flat out can’t fit. Thank goodness my favorite girl crush Ruby also pointed this point out on her show.
Someone please tell me I’m not the only crazy person who has these problems!?