So my last post generated some interesting replies, both on and off the blog. I really tried to think hard about why I wanted to lose weight. Motivation comes and goes, and as it does, I wanted to really think about the true reason that I want to lose weight.
We've all accepted that “to be healthy” is the PC answer. I've heard it my whole life: “think how HEALTHY you would be if you lost weight?” I get it. Yes, improved health will come with less weight on my body. My feet won't swell and ache after being on my feet all day. I can go farther distances without being winded. My heart rate will be lower (although it's not in any high range right now). Things people worry about with heavy people: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes… I'm fortunate that I don't have any of these issues right now. I know as I get older, these things could show up one day and smack me in the face. I get it.
But that's not my #1 reason for wanting to lose weight right now.
I just want to FIT.
Seriously, I feel like every action I take outside of the safety net of my house, is measured in my head whether or not I'll FIT.
It could be literal:
- Will my friend's car have a seatbelt that will fit?
- If I go to a restaurant, will the booth be too small?
- If I go out with friends to a bar, will we have to sit on bar stools (I swear I need 1 for each ass cheek, and my legs go numb)
- If someone gives me tickets to a Kentucky basketball game, where are they at? If they're good seats, I know I won't fit in the chairs
- If I want to go to a musical, what theater is it playing at? Most likely, I won't fit
- Amusement parks? Forget it- I won't fit to ride anything.
- Vacation? Is flying part of it? Anxiety for the airplane seats.
Or it could be environmental:
- Am I going to be the biggest in the room (probably)
- Will I be able to blend in without being seen as huge (probably not)
- How many people do I know there? (my “safe” people to talk to)
- Basically, will I FIT with the people around me?
I'm so tired of not fitting. I don't ever remember feeling like I “fit” anywhere I wanted to. Why do I have to have this nagging question in my mind every single time I do something outside of my house? I can't even explain how frustrating it is. For whatever accomplishments I've got or confidence that I can fake, I can never just let this guard down and be myself. As long as the “will I fit” question is in my head, I won't be free.
And I can't get rid of that question unless I become skinny.
So for today, that is my reason behind why I want to lose weight. There are 58,358 more reasons I'm sure, but for today, this is my Achilles heel.
Anyone else feel the same way?