I suffer from a highly overactive mind.
The more I think about it, it’s gotten worse as I’ve gained more weight. It seems like the heavier I get, the more I (subconsciously) feel that I need to completely overcompensate by being perfect in all other aspects of my life. It’s kind of insane when I go back to examine the things I’ve done at different points in my life and how my reaction has changed throughout the years.
Right now, I’m kind of a mess. I can’t stand the thought of someone being even slightly disappointed in me. Therefore, I try to work extra hard to keep everyone happy. To do the absolute best job ever with whatever I’m doing. If I can keep everyone happy and excited about me and the work that I do, then it doesn’t matter so much that I’m (super) fat. I had to work extra hard to get a great GPA, great job, great husband, great house, great everything. Yes, some of it is internally motivated. I feel good about myself when I know I’ve tried my best. But the past few years I’ve noticed that there’s extra pressure in my mind somewhere. I have virtually no pressure from my family or my husband to be perfect at work or anything like that. Yet, my anxiety over doing everything perfect has become an issue. During my MBA program, I campaigned to be class president. Thought it would awesome on my resume and would make me stand out. Because honestly, who would look at someone 300 pounds plus and think they were smart and super-sharp? I thought classmates liked me if they voted for me. And they voted. And I won. They might have already liked me, or could have liked me even if I didn’t get the stupid title. But why would they like a 300 + pound person? That’s crazy.
And today, I realized I might have made a small mistake at something, and right now am completely panicky over it. Like way overboard panicked. As in “dear-lord-I-won’t-be-able-to-sleep” panicked. Over seriously something that is soooooooo small it isn’t worth it. AT. ALL.
Now, when my mom was uber-sick, I noticed myself getting more and more this way- hyperfocused on the little things- trying to control them, to do the best I could. All because I was trying to grab hold of anything during a situation where I had zero control. But this has just not gone away. I can’t let any of the balls that are still in the air drop or else my balance will be off. And right now, off it is.
I’m not afraid of failure. I can handle an epic fail. I’ll be the first to admit my weaknesses. But slight disappointment from someone when I tried to avoid that is really devastating and anxiety-inducing. And when I realize I made a small mistake? Sleepless night and mega stress.
Anyone else have these sorts of issues? Or am I just a loony who needs some chill pills?