A Big Decision

It's been a week since I've had my gym membership. I've gone 4 times: Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. Call it endorphins or whatever, but something about this weight loss journey has got my head in a place of clarity (or insanity).

I've almost posted this a couple of times now, but keep deleting the post for fear I would change my mind. When you post something online, there are no takebacks! But, I'm confident in my decision.

I'm giving up my Biggest Loser dream.

Ever since seeing Shay on The Biggest Loser season 8, I wanted to be on the show. I thought that it was my chance to be on TV, have people see my struggle and identify with me, and I'd finally be skinny. I poured so much energy and creativity into my season 10 audition tape. I paused my weight loss because I didn't want to be a different weight than what I put on my application or on my video. I didn't gain and I didn't lose. I became completely obsessed, checking my casting director's Facebook fan page, the Biggest Loser Casting Twitter account, former Biggest Loser blogs. It was consuming. Once I got some positive feedback from casting about my video, the intensity escalated. I just KNEW I was going to get picked.

As we all know, I didn't get picked. I would never lose weight again. I wouldn't be a reality TV star. I would continue to live my life over 400 pounds and that was it. I ate a lot right after getting the “not this time” email. I was told to apply for next season (which will start casting early July). I emailed my friends 2 weeks ago and asked them what ideas they had that could top my last video. The insanity was going to start again.

After Zumba last Saturday, I felt calm (and sore). As I checked the new Biggest Loser applications to see if it had changed in the past 3 months, I thought “why the hell does it matter?” Really now. I can do this. I have the blog. I have friends (in real life and virtual friends). I have a great job. I have sponsors that want to help me. I have motivation.

This is BIG for me peeps, BIG. It means I'm giving in: I can do this weight loss and fitness journey. I have support and I have all the tools I need to make myself a success. Why rely on a television show to kick my ass and “make” me lose weight? For the confetti at the end? For the money? For fame? Talk about LAME.

So, I'm pushing on with my weight loss journey without auditioning for The Biggest Loser again. When I'm finished, I'll expect all of you to come to my house to throw confetti on me as I stand on a livestock scale to get my final weight. M'kay? 🙂