I had a conversation via text today that sparked this post. The timing of the discussion was pretty serendipitous because I've been feeling some of the same things he was talking about in the past 24 hours or so (and a good portion of my life up until now). Bear with me while I try to formulate the words to explain what I'm thinking.
My friend explained how excited he was over the success he's having on a project. Excitement and giddiness but also disbelief. He's always worked hard, but nothing has paid off nearly as much as what is happening right now. Why had he stumbled in previous endeavors? He's had to fight like hell to try to get things done, and hasn't achieved the greatness that was anticipated. Now, however, there is momentum – no more scratching and clawing up to establish something – the ball is rolling down the hill and all he's got to do is hold on and steer.
Oh what a familiar feeling!
Yesterday when the newspaper article came out, I expected awful things. I knew I had my regular cheerleaders here who faithfully (and crazily) regularly read about my roller coaster ride to fitness. Exposing myself to the general public not just with my story, but with my own words? Completely different and completely terrifying! I willingly published my weight in the newspaper, and declared myself a success. I plead temporary insanity.
I braced myself for the backlash of ignorant, anonymous comments I might get. My phone chimed notifications all day long. Each email, text, Facebook message, tweet and blog comment was read holding my breath. I waited for a massive flood of suckage to hit me. Glutton for punishment, right?.
Wrong. I don't think I've ever said “thank you” so many times in one day. Each one was accompanied by a voice in my head going “this is crazy, I don't deserve this.”
As I read the texts from my friend today, it hit me. I wondered why he was so surprised at the success. He has worked hard for it. He deserves to be excited, and he deserves to feel damn proud of himself.
Isn't it funny how we never listen to our own advice?
<Cue the lightbulb moment>
I earned it. I deserve it. I must own it.
Saying those words makes me feel conceited. I'm a mucho fan of humble pie – so much so that I'm not frequently proud of myself. That negative self-talk always finds its way into the core of my soul. In the past, this had led to destructive behaviors which result in a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.
I wonder how many others go through these vicious mind games? How do we move past this disbelief and allow ourselves the praise or success we must have earned in some form or fashion?
I earned it. I deserve it. I must own it.
So tonight I drift to sleep repeating the words, knowing it will help fuel my success tomorrow.
I know this is a jumble of thoughts, but do you understand what I mean? Can you relate?
PS: How do you like the facelift my blog got overnight? Many thanks to Ryan (No More Bacon) who jazzed things up around here! Seriously, I LOVE it!
