Free flowing thoughts today, no editing. This has been on my mind a while but I haven't been able to eloquently get it out. So a brain dump is what you get:
I'm a believer in body positivity. I truly believe that we should love our bodies and what they can do for us, and not hate them because they don't look like people in the magazines. I know this all can seem confusing for readers who come here looking for a weight loss success story (of which I'm trying to shift away from).
- I don't believe positive, healthy change can come from disliking your body or individual parts.
- I don't believe that others have the right to comment or make judgement on any body other than their own.
- I don't believe that cellulite, jiggles, pooches, and rolls of skin have anything to do with your health, strength, or value as a person.
- I believe that everyone should be able to wear whatever they want, revealing or covering whatever they want without worrying about others opinions.
- I believe that the only step required to having a bikini body is to put a bikini on.
All this being said, this past week all I've seemed to be able to do is think about my stomach and hips. I have poked and prodded at them. I ordered more shapewear. I seem to be aware of them everywhere I go. A few things triggered it: I think it started with my archery photo from this post, and then from seeing a photo I was tagged in and realizing I was the biggest person in a group of many people. Then I saw a reflection of myself sitting down at a restaurant in side profile with slumped over shoulders and a round stomach. Negative thoughts started flooding my mind.
I've always had a large lower abdominal pooch, even as a child. I distinctly remember a photo of me from swim team in the 4th grade where my pooch was very visible. The past week, I've just become hyper aware of it, more than usual. Then, in a moment of complete stupidity, the words “front butt” entered my mind and I looked at it on urban dictionary. Such a huge mistake.
I'm not re-posting what the entries say because I don't want to ever see them again. But ever since seeing it, I've had the words “front butt” enter my mind at least twice during the day: when putting my clothes on, and taking them off. Sometimes, they would pop back up in my mind when I passed a mirror.
Then today, I actually clicked on this headline:
And as soon as I did, I realized I was participating in my own body insanity. By clicking on that post, it was like my media-trained brain went back into the “slimmer is better” place it existed the majority of my life. This inevitably leads to more self hatred, and the cycle just picks up steam.
It's not that I mind that Jessica Simpson lost weight – that's her choice. But for the media to dictate the loss as news, and being “Great” and “Incredible” is to invalidate her “before” body. It just makes me stabby to think about.
For now I'm actively working on not triple-checking my side profile, not poking at my stomach, and not thinking about the awful words I googled earlier this week. It's hard, but it's worth it to not experience those feelings of shame.
/end of random notes for the night