Hello and welcome to another edition of #TransparentTuesday! During #TransparentTuesday, we remove the rosy filters of social media and share real life.
There have been a few situations recently where it's become obvious that I'm stumbling over things from the past. Of course, at the time, you don't realize you're stumbling. You just have an unexpected reaction and wonder where it came from. Don't get me wrong – I'm still having the same optimistic outlook and energy from last week's Transparent Tuesday post (hooray for no more airplane mode!) but a scar has been discovered and it's hard to ignore.
Fear of rejection has reared it's ugly head in multiple ways recently, and I'm just being able to identify it clearly and try to cut it off at the pass. I was blind that fear of rejection from clients, friends, or dates was impacting my everyday. I felt like I was operating at a high level of self-awareness and acceptance, when really there was an undercurrent of uncertainty from the past.
When my ex left, I was so confused. How could I have been so ignorant to what was going on? I pride myself in being a very perceptive person, so being blindsided was such a shock. I must have missed the signs along the way. Maybe if I saw them earlier, I could have avoided the pain.
So even though I have generally been feeling great, I've been over-analyzing everything in an attempt to avoid impact. I look for reasons why people might not show up, might not be happy with me, or might leave unexpectedly. And it's become obvious that it's a waste of energy.
I feel like I've had my foot on the gas and the brakes at the same time.
You can't predict what others are going to do, or how they'll react to you. You can't walk around in bubble wrap to avoid getting hurt. It's not fair to yourself or to the people around you.
So here's to letting off the brakes and not stumbling over the past.