I have been in a funk the past couple of days. Nothing major, just not feeling so peppy.
Something that I experienced while I was traveling last week was insecurity. Insecurity on the airplanes, in meetings, etc. The thing about insecurity is that it all had to do with my weight, not with my abilities.
You see, when I’m at my gym, I feel great. I see the same people there and they know that I’m regularly there working hard. When I’m at work in the office, people know I work hard and really care about my work. When I’m writing on this blog, people can see the progress I’ve had so far.
But when I’m cramped on a small airplane that is blistering hot next to a grumpy old business man, I’m reduced to an obese, insecure traveler. When I’m in meetings with others outside of my company, I’m the obese tag-along employee. Now of course, the obese part is always true. The other things aren’t true, ever. Even though I’m morbidly obese (for now) no matter what the environment, I don’t always feel it. I can post pictures in new outfits and not see the morbidly obese person, but see the outfit and me looking happy in it instead.
In these foreign situations, my comfort level goes from 80 to 0 in 2 seconds flat. These people don’t know me. They don’t know my story. They don’t know my progress. They don’t know I bust my ass at the gym. They don’t know I completed a 5K. They don’t know anything about me.
Even back in Lexington over the weekend, Trainer Rob had me meet him at the tennis club (they have a gym and he was there working with other clients) instead of the gym. As I waited for him in the lobby, I was so uncomfortable. People in cute tennis skirts, people chatting with their buddies in their familiar spots. I was just hanging out without a racket. I used to be a tennis player in high school, but could never pass as one at this size. I haven’t played in so many years, and I was never really that good to start with. So I just stood there awkwardly until he came to escort me to the gym area. When we got there, I was fine during the first part of the workout when we were isolated in a group fitness room. But when I got on a treadmill next to a running lady and a man who was stair stepping his way to insanity, walking at a speed of 2.5 to slow my heart rate from the boxing and kickboxing I just did, I felt insecure. They didn’t know me. They didn’t know my progress. They are probably thinking “who is this new, fat girl walking so slow on the treadmill?”
DAMN! The way my head works. No one probably cared. No one noticed. And even if they did, IT DOESN’T FREAKING MATTER! It’s irrational and insane.
I turn into a shrinking violet because for some reason my self worth is tied to people knowing I’m trying to make a difference in my life, health and body. But why does that matter? I should be happy knowing that I KNOW I’m doing these things, and just be who I am. Sometimes, this happens. But most of the time? If they don’t know, I tend to forget it.
I need to start working on the mantra of “I am enough, as I am, right this moment.” That is so hard to say. I’m not one to ever be content. I don’t like to settle. So to admit that I’m okay right now gets twisted in my head as a “this weight is okay. My body is okay.” when it’s not. I’m not okay being this size. Not at all. But I am okay with the changes I’m making and the choices I make every day to improve. Better, faster, stronger. If I could only have my mind keep up with my body.
Has anyone ever experienced this? These insecurities that pop up only in unfamiliar situations? How can you brush them aside?
