Not in the mood for a “deep” post? Maybe you should skip this one 😉 Seriously though, I share these thoughts because I really don't think I'm alone. Is it scary opening up? Sure. But could it help me plus others to do so? Yup. So share I do…
Hands down the hardest part of this weight loss journey has been the work that is going on in my head. The gym and eating properly? Piece of (fat free, sugar free, gluten free) cake. Trying to discover why I got to 455 pounds in the first place and how to fix those mental issues to be successful in the long run is one of the most time intensive, tiring things I do lately.
Late last year, I decided I would pursue therapy of some sort. I have a history of depression, anxiety and insomnia. I don't know why this is such a taboo topic, but I don't ever hear anyone talk about going to their therapist. In addition to the therapist, I'm also working with a nurse practitioner in the same practice to deal with the medication component as well (if needed). With each session, even though I may go into it thinking I feel good or I don't have anything to say, I feel like I'm taking baby steps to healing from the inside.
Today I had my third therapy session, and it's really interesting to just see patterns in myself and how my behaviors are so inter-related with my weight, my friends, my work, and even this blog. I was blabbing on and on and on to the therapist about just things on my mind. Nothing really earth shattering, but the more I shared as she asked more questions, the more I saw a flicker of light start to go off in my head.
Things I'm beginning to realize:
- I don't accept and celebrate my achievements
- I'm a people pleaser
- I spend way too much time and energy worrying about what others think of me
- I am so worried about the future that I don't take the proper time and focus on the present
- My negative self talk is crippling my confidence and ability to celebrate the now – I am silencing my own voice – standing in my own way
This is a mountain of issues to climb over. First step I'm taking immediately? Cleaning house. Not my physical home (although it really could use cleaning), but my mind and my environment. Are there things in my life sucking my time and energy that don't fulfill me? How much energy do I spend dwelling on those? How do I make more time for doing things I truly enjoy with people that I enjoy being with? How do I focus more on the present and stop worrying about the sky falling in the future? If I focus entirely on the present and doing the best I can at this time, the future will work itself out.
The great news? I enjoy my work, my blog, my workouts, my family. I'm incredibly lucky for that. I'm starting off in a great situation. Now the challenge is wiping away the cobwebs that hold me back in my own mind to really thrive.