No, I'm not channeling the old Gloria Estefan song, although whenever I see that phrase, “coming out of the dark,” I must sing it in my head ala Mz Estefan. But I digress.
I am pretty flabbergasted (in a good way) with all of the comments I received on my last post about not being able to accept my accomplishments. On one hand, it made me feel better that there are others who have these same feelings, but on the other, it made me incredibly sad. Why are we masters at downplaying our own achievements? I'm grateful that other people take the time to share a word or two to help lift me up, and I hope that by being honest I can repay someone down the line with the kindness shown to me.
Last night I was just really, really in a bad place. Like, hysterical sobbing. Yesterday was my 30th birthday. I wasn't sad about being 30. I was sad because I felt lost. Some people mentioned this in the comments, and I had heard about it before, but I never thought it would happen to me.
Post race blues.
I read this wonderful overview at active.com about post race blues, and identified with it 100%:
We have been taught that the attainment of the goal is the reward. Now the goal is attained and you are puzzled by your unanticipated unhappiness. The goal has turned out to be an illusion. The joy was in the dream and the process of moving towards your goal, in mobilizing your physical and mental potentials to their fullest. Once the goal was accomplished, the dream died. The joy ended. And now it's time to regroup and start over again.
This is completely it. I'm not insane (or more insane than usual). To realize that this is a common occurance gives me some sense of peace. Not only did I spend the past 10 weeks or so training for this big, life-goal event; I set forth to raise an amazing amount of money for Parkinson's disease research in honor of my mom. I worked hard, and begged for money. My reward for the physical work paid off at the finish line and the generosity of your donations paid off when I passed my goal. I exhaled for a fraction of a second.
So here I sit on my sofa with my feet up wondering: what's next? No longer does it seem like enough for me to just continue working on my weight loss. Tonight, I went to check out some of the items on my 101 in 1001 list, and to cross off the half marathon goal.
I have no idea what the next challenge will be, but I'm getting some peace by knowing that the half marathon will not be my last accomplishment. It's just the beginning.
On a side-note, I had a few people ask me if I'm still accepting donations for my Parkinson's disease fundraising. YES! I am currently working with the Kentucky Neuroscience Institute on a date and time to present the donation, so until I have that nailed down, please continue to give at this link if you are so inclined. I will announce when I present the donation. Also, if you won a bracelet from me or if you made a donation and haven't received a thank-you note, please know that I'm working on them! xoxo
