This frustrated mind of mine has been very loud this weekend, when not being distracted by my awful ear infections and vertigo that have me feeling drunk on top of a hangover with a headache that won't stop. Between my boot (still in for 1 more week), my ear infections and vertigo, I am a non-exercising, overanalyzing mess of thoughts.
On Friday, I went to the doctor for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. Last time I went, I asked for blood tests just to get a quick read on how things are performing within my body. My pulse and blood pressure have been excellent in my past 5 months of doctor visits, but I was curious about other things as well. The doctor had the results but hadn't reviewed them yet, however he pulled them up and sorted through them and declared “you're perfectly healthy!”
Me: “Well, what about my cholesterol?”
Him: “Why are you worried about your cholesterol? Did your parents have high cholesterol?
Me: “No, I just wanted to make sure it was okay since I'm over 300 pounds.”
Him: “Of course it's okay – everything is completely normal with you – very good results.”
Me: “You say ‘normal' like it's nothing. How can somoene over 300 pounds be normal?”
Him: “Why not? You are taking care of yourself – why can't you be normal?”
So hooray for normal. But this had me thinking.
How would I feel if I still exercised regularly and ate well, yet didn't lose a single more pound. Would I be okay with this?
Part of me that is trying to remain positive says “you're healthy, girl! That's all that matters. Accept your health at any size, because you really are healthy!”
The other part goes “Hell no, screw that! You can't stay this weight and be a success. You need to figure out what is wrong and fix it, now.”
So, that is where my brain is at. It's a literal dizzy (vertigo) mess of yelling at itself. Throw in this past weekend's eating incidents and the yelling inside my head is deafening.