How do you say goodbye to someone you never thought you could live without? Someone that you don't want to go?
I've been with him since the week after I turned 20. We just worked immediately. It was easy, built on mutual respect, and there were never any doubts that we were meant to be together forever. At least on my part.
Experiencing loss is never easy. I've experienced it with losing my mom, but this kind of loss is different: more painful in some ways, and easier in others. There isn't mortal finality like with death, but there is the loss of what you thought you'd have forever. There is a living ghost. The knowledge that your love wasn't enough, that he chose to stray, and that on the eve of the seventh wedding anniversary and over 13 years together, he saw more possibility without me than with me. With someone else.
base image from brian hefele on flickr
Though we were both very independent with work and friends and hobbies, he was my foundation. He was my family and my best friend. His family was my family, and the magnitude of losing that hits me with such a gut punch that I struggle to catch my breath. My remaining biological family isn't close: never have been, never will be. It's not for any particular reason other than it's just how we are. I go months without talking to them. But his family was close and loud and big and present. When I didn't have my family to come to graduations or throw me birthday parties, his family was always there.
How do you trust anyone again if the one person you trusted with your life has betrayed you — the one person you thought loved you in a limitless way that took you forever to realize you deserved. How do you get that back?
For now, I'm just doing what I mentioned in this post. I'll keep breathing. I'll focus on what I can control. I know nothing can heal this except time.
Start the clock.
