Hello and welcome to another edition of #TransparentTuesday! During #TransparentTuesday, we remove the rosy filters of social media and share real life.
This morning after my workout, I posted a gym selfie on Instagram with a bit of a lengthy caption. Reposting below:
Don't adjust your phone screen – I really am this lovely shade of red after a workout. But isn't the Biscay Green @enellsportsbras pretty? Best sports bra and I love this new limited edition color. 💚
I really hope to write a #TransparentTuesday blog post today, but like every day lately life just gets in the way. We run from place to place or jump from project to project that there's not a lot of time for introspection and trying to eloquently say what's in our jumbled minds (well, *mine* is jumbled. Yours might not be.) 💚
In case I don't get to write today, quick thoughts: Not a day goes by that I don't think about my body. My size, my endurance, my strength, my frustrations, my accomplishments, my jiggle. It's exhausting. I hate that it's a radical notion to want to just exist in this body right now and not focus on minimizing. The number one thing people search for on my blog is “weight loss progress” – everyone wants to see if I've succeeded or fucked up or exactly how tall I am and how much I weigh today. What I want people to see is how today I went to the gym, just like every other Tuesday morning. I want them to see that I'm still
54 years binge-free – a major feat when all you knew for so long was incredibly disordered eating. I want them to see that today I might not be comfortable with the size of my hips, but that doesn't mean I hate myself. I want them to see that even though I don't share a food diary or chronicle every workout that I'm doing what I can for myself and my body and that I don't have to justify it to anyone. And if I want to eat some french fries it's not the end of the world. Or if I cut carbs it's not because I hate myself. I want them to see that I struggle daily with both trying to minimize myself to fit into society but also with trying to love myself unconditionally. It's a mental tug-o-war trying to get all of this down in a concise manner!
In total coincidence, I wrote this post titled “Enough” exactly 1 year ago today. The context was around running around trying to do more and be more so people would accept me in some way.
In my mind, the concept of “enough” has been tied to complacency. If you’re not striving for more, then you must be lazy… I wanted to prove to others that I had my shit together, regardless of what they might see on the outside.
Thankfully I can see a huge difference between then and now. I have developed a tiny “no” muscle that I can flex much easier than before. I don't feel nearly as frazzled. I've balanced working and taking on more responsibility by adding key friendships, jumping into the dating pool, and seeking to just enjoy life.
I can't ignore the fact that I spend so much time thinking about my body in a really conflicting way – “I love myself!!!! I feel great!!!! I wish my hips were smaller so I didn't stress out every time I get on an airplane!!!! I should cut my calories!!!! But I love myself and know when I cut calories I get into disordered eating mindset!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!”
So weight loss progress isn't something I'm focused on right now. I'm focused on life progress. I have no idea what the hell the end goal is, but I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy the ride.
Note: Thanks for sticking with me through this post. It's quite stream-of-consciousness, but hopefully without edits it still makes sense. xoxo