Sometimes, I'm forgetful. It can be forgetting little things like where my car keys are (or more likely, where my cell phone is), or more severe such as the “duh moment” that hit me tonight. It's not a new revelation or anything, it's actually a known fact. I just tend to un-know forget it.
There is more to life than weight loss.
<insert a collective, “well, duh!” here>
The problem is that my road to living “life” has SO MUCH to do with losing weight first. I've written over and over how this whole journey is about life, and that is still very much my belief. The problem is that functionally and physically, I need to be smaller to do the things I want to do. Yes, I want to be healthy and fit and live a long life. Of course. But at this point, still being over 300 pounds means there are still things I can't do. It means there are still insecurities that come with doing anything besides hanging out with those who know me very well.
Being a weight loss blogger, I am always thinking about my weight. Even if I weren't a weight loss blogger, I'd probably always think about my weight as it's a habit I've perfected after 20+ years of experience. I don't know how many times a day my weight enters my mind, but it's quite often:
- When I wake up and get on the scale before I get in the shower
- When I go to look at the refrigerator to find something to eat
- When I am sitting here on my laptop typing and staring at my stomach where my laptop is sitting
- When I feel pain in my ankle and remember the half-marathon
- When I look at Pinterest and see tons of things I can't wear and lots of adventurous things I can't do
- When I go to the grocery store and wonder if anyone is staring at my cart contents
- When I think of what blog post to write today
It's constant. Most of the time, I just accept it. I understand my life and actions right now are extremely directed with weight loss and fitness. It comes with the territory of being a weight loss blogger. And to tell you the truth, I don't know what exactly I would do if I one day woke up and didn't have to think about it. Seriously, I have no idea. It's not like I have a list of 100 things I am going to do the minute I am of a somewhat more “normal” size or feel like my body is stronger. I'm not a really adventurous person, but is that because my true self just is cautious or is it a function of my years of worry about my size?
There's no doubt that talking these things out and being much more vocal and visible in my journey has helped me tremendously. I've done things I never thought I'd do and have made progress I'm not sure I would have made otherwise. Sometimes though, I just want to turn that part of my mind off to see what other thoughts might take the place.
I'm rambling on as I always do, but these are the things I think about.
