Something has stirred inside me for a while. Not to get all “woo-woo” but it was something nagging inside my soul. When someone would ask what my blog is, I'd say “Skinny Emmie” with a pang, and then feel the need to explain what “skinny” means. At the beginning, I thought Skinny Emmie was a cute name because it rhymed and was weight-themed. My goal was never to be thin – it was always to become healthy. The journey has obviously hit lots of bumps and it's never ending. With every personal setback creeped in feelings of inadequacy and failure. For whatever reason, the word “skinny” put this invisible pressure on me to be something I'm not.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago called Authentically Me. Here's an excerpt:
It should feel like my growth has been stunted or like I’m a car just sitting in the mud spinning its wheels. Sure, some days are like that. Each doctor visit for my ankle injury seems like that. But other times? It’s not. The scale isn’t moving lower. It’s bounced around and up and down the same 20 pounds for a while. It’s no secret. It is what it is. But these two years haven’t been without progress. In fact, I feel like there has been so much more emotional progress and self-acceptance in the past year than the previous 3 combined. I’ve had to look hard at myself and become okay with a number on the scale that I don’t want to see forever. I don’t hate myself for it. I don’t feel awful about myself.
I’m going to keep chugging along, learning to be happy with who I am, in THIS moment, and the rest will fall into place in due time.
Ever since then, this quote has rung in my head over and over. Whenever I have doubt or I someone says something negative, this echoes from somewhere deep inside:
This made me realize that if I'm my authentic self and someone doesn't like it, that's on them. I can't be anyone other than Authentically Emmie.
Today, I let go of skinny.
After my domain was switched over to authenticallyemmie.com (though all the old Skinny Emmie links work still), I changed my social media profiles. It was the last step I needed to take in eliminating the need for a “skinny” explanation. On Twitter and Instagram, I'm now @authemmie. On Facebook, I'm /authenticallyemmie. (If you already followed me, you're still following me – this just affects how people tag me.) This seems like nothing, but as soon as I changed those and couldn't think of anything else I needed to change from an identity standpoint, I posted a photo that said “I'm getting rid of skinny.” And then I cried.
I just expected the technical part of renaming my networks to be difficult. I was completely unprepared for the crazy emotional freight train that hit me when it was done. I can't explain it well without sounding nuts, but it was like I could forgive myself, embrace the now, and finally breathe.
The content won't change around here. Ramblings, fashion, fitness, and the random mention of glitter and coffee (though perhaps not in the same post). I've got my ankle surgery consult next week and will also get a game plan of treatment for another health whammy I learned from my most recent blood work.
Thanks for hanging with me as I learn to embrace Authentically Emmie.