I know that after an ending comes a new beginning, but hard endings and holidays right now are making things fuzzy.
The past few weeks I was sad, but I was keeping it together. (I'm really good at avoidance, though it doesn't always serve me well.) I closed on my solo refinanced house last week and drove away from closing blasting Taylor Swift and literally dancing in my car.
But over the weekend, the thought of Christmas Eve destroyed me. Christmas Eve was when I got engaged 8 years ago. It's when his family had Christmas dinner and gifts as he usually worked on Christmas Day. I loved it because I don't have a family Christmas. One thought of a solo Christmas crossed my mind and I went from Taylor Swift bliss to this:
And I can't seem to get up from this place. It's like my guts feel like they've been ripped out and stomped on. I haven't been able to predict when all.the.feels will hit, but when they do – it's brutal. Don't get me wrong – there are good days. Ones that have no tears or sadness or sleeplessness. But right now I just have an auto-repeat scene of 8 years ago being proposed to during his family Christmas, and all of a sudden not having them to celebrate the season with. This would have been my 14th Christmas with them.
Today, I'm going to bury myself in Kleenex and Melissa McCarthy movies and just hang on for dear life:
I know there are much bigger things going on in this world that are infinitely more devastating and deserve attention. I don't want to wallow or lose perspective. I know I'll survive and thrive and be happier – all these things people keep telling me. And when I come out of this fog in 2015, folks better watch out. There won't be any stopping me.
If you're going through a crap time right now, know you're not alone. And if you're blissfully happy, take special care to savor it. Wishing you and yours all things merry and bright!
