Hello and welcome to another edition of #TransparentTuesday! During #TransparentTuesday, we remove the rosy filters of social media and share real life.
Social media is so shiny that it distorts the vision of reality for the viewer. You may see me smiling on Instagram, sharing goat videos from Facebook, or tweeting random nothingness. But the reality is that these past 3+ months of divorce turmoil have fucking sucked.
There, I said it. It fucking sucked.
I don't ever want to admit that I'm bothered or admit that I'm sad. Friends have commented how impressed they are with how well I'm handling things, and how I got everything finalized so quickly (diversion tactic to deal with actual emotion.) Finally last week I said “what? I'm not handling it well. It fucking sucks.”
Admitting that resulted in a big exhale from deep in my gut.
I push down every negative emotion for as long as possible, until it just explodes inside. The healing may be in the aching, but I put off that ache for as long as possible and it just makes the wounds deeper.
Not wanting to bother or burden anyone with my sadness, I went into isolation mode. I interpreted people not reaching out to hang out as a personal affront, when really they might feel just as weird reaching out to me during this time. Two weekends ago I literally said out loud: “I am so sick of myself.” I work out of my home office, so there are days where I'm by myself literally all day and all night. What's (almost) worse than being abandoned by your life partner? Abandoning your friends and your well-being with your own stubborn actions.
I finally admitted to myself and to others that things have sucked. Some days they still suck. And you know what? The more I acknowledge the suck, the better I feel. It's almost instant.
So if you're going through a shit time right now, realize that it is okay to say it sucks. It's okay to feel horrible. You're not alone.