Hello and welcome to another edition of #TransparentTuesday! (albeit on a Wednesday – fell asleep before publishing!) During #TransparentTuesday, we remove the rosy filters of social media and share real life.
It’s been months since I’ve written a Transparent Tuesday post. I’ve felt a little (or a lot) blocked for a very long time now. At first, I thought being blocked meant that maybe I simply ran out of things to say. I’ve been blogging since 2009 (archives here) and have shared thoughts on a range of topics from my boyfriend at fat camp to body image to grief to Brazilian waxes. I’ve shared the experiences of trying to lose weight and then also trying to accept my body independent of size. I’ve shared the loss of life, loss of a marriage, and loss of my beloved dog. I’ve shared a lot, y’all!
Despite all the sharing, I know there is much more to say. There are thoughts and emotions coursing through my brain without the ability to form words to communicate them in an effective manner. Or perhaps the words and ability are there, but I’m not dedicating the time to craft them. (#life. AmIRite?!)
In typical #TransparentTuesday fashion, you will now be treated to the host of thoughts that are in my head that may or may not become future blog topics:
- Fashion: I’ve been bored out of my mind lately with clothes so even outfit posts have been dwindling. Either fit is off or I don’t like the quality or everything looks the same. As fall approaches, I’m realizing that it might have just been that I didn’t love summer clothes because some of the new things coming out that have perked me up! I shot 3 looks today that I’m pretty excited about.
- Fat talk: Everywhere I go lately, I hear fat talk. Women chatting amongst themselves that they wish they could fit into a smaller size, or remark flippantly about how they need to lose 10 pounds. Women in stunning evening gowns remarking in the bathroom to strangers how they wish their rolls weren’t showing. While I think anyone should do with their body as they please, I wish the inherent dislike of fat wasn’t so ingrained in our culture as to be able to blab about it with strangers, or mention it at the grocery store checkout line. As I work on self-acceptance, the noise seems to get a little louder and it’s been a bit of a challenge to tune it out or not to project their remarks onto my body.
- Comparison: It’s insanely easy to get caught into the comparison trap on social media. As a blogger/influencer, scrolling through Instagram and seeing people have thousands of likes versus your hundreds (or dozens) of likes can make you feel inadequate. Logically, I know this is extremely petty, but I’ve scaled back a bit on the endless scrolling on social media as I was falling into the comparison trap. I started blogging 7 years ago to share my voice and not to grow a following, so remembering that has helped ground those thoughts.
- Time and Priorities: Recently, my gym had a change in class times and I’ve struggled to find class times that don’t conflict with regular meetings or Junior League or other commitments. I also had the solopreneur struggle of juggling client hours and managing expectations, combined with perfectionist tendencies that left me working into the wee hours of the morning. And obviously writing has gone to the wayside for a very long time due to both loss of voice and lack of time. I am working on shifting some things around so I can get back to the regular gym workouts and also manage workload in a healthier way.
- Love: I’m in love. There’s so much I want to say, but also so much that I want to protect. Even now, nearly 2 years after my divorce, people are still searching my site for “authentically emmie ex-husband.” I guess that’s what happens in a culture of gossip and intrigue. So while this man makes me so ridiculously happy that I want to shout it from the rooftops, I’m going to hold back on sharing a lot of detail for now. As a chronic oversharer, you know it will all come out eventually!
Thanks for hanging with me as I work to find my voice again! xoxo