This weekend, I've been in a super-reflective mood. Just very introverted and in my own head.
I have a Groupon to get some photos scanned to disc and also for old 8mm camcorder tapes to get put on DVD, so I spent several hours yesterday looking through my childhood things, trying to pull out photos that I didn't want to fade with age.
I came across something in the closet, and knew I just had to read it:
Like many of you, I don't ever remember NOT being on a diet. NOT worrying about my weight. It was ingrained in me as I attended my mom's aerobics classes in the 80s (just as a spectator, but knowing that this is what you did to lose weight), did every fad diet with her imaginable, and had to shop from the “husky” section as a kid.
This journal gave me lost insight into my younger self, and the self-image I held.
December 23, 1996.
Fat Grams: >20 (I suspect I was supposed to say “less than” 20, not “greater than”)
Hours between last meal/snack and bedtime: 3
Number of meals: 3
Number of snacks: 2
Minutes of exercise: 115
Level of exercise: 8/10
Weight: 250This starts my “new diet.” I'm taking fen-phen for now and it feels like it's helping me with my hunger. I had the hardest swim practice ever and I did step aerobics with sets of pushups and sit-ups. I am determined now to get the weight off. By the time I turn 16, I could have lost around 50 lbs (3 lbs a week). That would be a great present for me (A car would be nice also!) But I feel I need to do this for myself now – not anyone else like before.
Reading this in my pajamas 15 years later as 343 pound person who has just lost 112 pounds, I am in shock. I knew that I was on fen-phen when I was a teenager. I knew that I was always on a diet. I seem to have forgotten though that I was 250 pounds. In comparison to now, that is so small. It's nearly HALF of my highest weight. Yet I distinctly remember feeling like the largest person on the planet. I came across this photo also from that same time period, my “after” photo from summer fat camp, and felt ridiculously huge.
I read the rest of the journal entries in the book, and just shook my head the entire time. I was working out at least 1.5 hours 5 times a week, eating less than 20 grams of fat per day, and still feeling like there was something wrong with me. I desperatley wish I could go back in time and talk to that young Emily.
Dear Emily,
You are beautiful. You are strong. You are healthy. You are loved. You are smart. You are caring. You are kind.
Love yourself. Love your body. Love your curves. Love your strength. Love your athleticism. Love your family.
Your worth is not in your weight, no matter what anyone has told you or made you believe. They're pushing their insecurities and problems onto you.
Living life is not about struggling through a day analyzing every calorie or minute of exercise. Right now life is about enjoying the time you have on this earth to have fun, being good to yourself, and being a kid!
As you grow up, just work on maintaining your healthy self, just as you are. Stay active and do things you love because you WANT to, not because you're trying to fit someones mold of what they think you should be. Move, play, run and have fun.
You are beautiful. You are strong. You are healthy. You are loved. You are smart. You are caring. You are kind.
You know what the irony of that letter I just wrote is? It's just a applicable now as it was 15 years ago (except for the “being a kid” part). It's something I need to remind myself daily.
For a moment last night, I started to play the “what if” game, wondering what would have happened had I achieved whatever level of “success” I wanted back then. What if I didn't use food to mask my emotions and gain 200 pounds more? I quickly stopped myself. I can't play the game of what-if's because this is a life of this-is. This is where I am, at this moment, and must accept it. I can use the reflection time to remember where I've been, but can't let it determine where I'm going.
Each day we make thousands of choices that add up and lead us down one of the infinite roads life has to offer. Our pasts can help guide us down the right path, but we can't go back and change where we've been. Here's to enjoying the journey.
