As many of you know, I’m a recovering binge eater. In the past, I would use eating to completely numb emotional pain or depression. I wrote a bit about this in this recent post. Eating was a way to make the pain stop, even for just a little bit.
(We may be entering into TMI territory here – you’ve been warned.)
Yesterday, I had an IUD (intrauterine device) put in. It’s a long term, reversable contraceptive option that is inserted into the uterus through the cervix. Seeing as I have never birthed a child, my cervix hadn’t seen that kind of action before. It hurt like hell, and I’m spent yesterday and today curled up with my laptop sucking down ibuprofen. It’s like an awful, crampy period, but way worse. Like something from the inside is stabbing my uterus with a pitchfork (which is probably a not-too-far-off depiction of what is going on down there).
You know what I did on my way home from the doctor’s office? Got a massive caramel Frappucino. I never drink that kind of stuff because sugar is a gateway drug for me into heavier carbs. Yet, without thinking, I hightailed it to Starbucks and ordered it. It got slurped down before I got home. It wasn’t even that tasty.
Next up were some mixed berry turnovers I got from Trader Joe’s. I have no idea why I brought them into my house, but I did. And I ate them. 4 of them.
As the pain got worse, I just wanted more carbs and sugar. I had some Trader Joe’s cookie butter, which I ate. I then hunted for more, but since I typically don’t keep sugar or snacky carbs in my house, I thankfully didn’t find any more.
This morning, I woke up with more cramping and pain and immediately went seeking carbs and sugar. Hubs had cookies stored (um, hidden) in the freezer and I found them and ate them.
I realized that this is just like when I was trying to numb the depression I had fought with food. The pain wasn’t emotional this time – it was physical. Yet I still yearned for something to take the pain away, and food was an automatic response. Crazy.
Here’s to step 1 of recognizing a pattern and trying to stop it. There is nothing in the house that I am craving, and the last thing I want to do is drive to get something. I’ll keep sucking on water and popping Advil as advised.