Hello and welcome to another edition of #TransparentTuesday! During #TransparentTuesday, we remove the rosy filters of social media and share real life.
I like control. I like it too much. When I sense some sort of potential outcome that isn't perfect in my mind, I will think of 20+ ways to try to force things a different way. If I work harder, faster, or better than other forces going on at the same time, at least done everything in my power to tip the hand in my favor.
This is a good thing when it comes to studying or work ethic, but the desire for control can take over things that simply can't be controlled entirely on my own.
This lead up to getting my house ready to sell has been an exercise in me trying to exert as much control as possible. Picking the right contractors, negotiating over quotes, staging items over and over and over again, cleaning things enough so there are fewer things to pick apart. This has been my space! My home! My sanctuary! I've owned it for 10 years. I've been trying to control things so much that I'm tired and frazzled and the rope that I've been clinging to started to leave a mark.
Over the weekend, I reluctantly let go of the reigns. The updates are done, the paint is dry, and I'm out of time, money, and willingness to tweak anything else. It's not been without breakdowns – there were several this weekend. I'm sad because I know that this step means things are really changing. I'm anxious because it's a large financial burden and potential buyers may not agree with my choices. I'm excited because I know finally shedding this structure will give me the freedom to move forward in a life with Steve in a different city. New adventures await, but I have to let go in order to find them.
My house is officially on the market. As I was leaving for the first showing, I had a familiar but uncomfortable feeling in my chest. My mind was frantically searching for the reigns that I'd let slip from my fingers. I stopped in a parking lot and had to really visualize what these next steps are. What outcomes do I want from this?
The tightness loosened as I remembered the “why.” I want to let go of this space in order to allow room for a new space, with my guy. Our 1 year anniversary is tomorrow, and after a year, only seeing each other on the weekends is just getting harder. I've done all the controlling I can in this situation and have to embrace that it means my house will be judged and scrutinized and it will be stressful. But it's time to let go, and to let another person or family find as much comfort in this space as I have.
I'd appreciate any good thoughts that this house finds the right buyer. It's time to move on, so I'm letting go.
More photos in this Instagram video. Photos by Shaun Ring of East of Elm.
Thanks for hanging with me through all of these transitions!